


love could be labeled poison and we'd drink it anyways

by myhopeisjhope



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Getting Back Together, Lots of insecurities, M/M, Sakusa Kiyoomi-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:42:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22865011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myhopeisjhope/pseuds/myhopeisjhope
Summary: "Huh?" is Atsumu's response, and it's seemingly the only thing the man could think of after the minute-long silence that stretched between them."We should break up," Kiyoomi repeats, more clearly now. He doesn't let any emotion seep into his voice, keeping it neutral and detached, as if breaking up with Atsumu was the easiest thing ever, while in fact it's the complete opposite.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 56
Kudos: 1260





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so, hello. this is my first fic for the fandom, and i'm honestly so worried about it lol. when i was writing i thought that it's ooc, but not really? idk how to explain it, so if you actually go through the fic and read it, tell me what u think about it pls. 
> 
> the idea for this came from irl, because i myself have tons and tons of insecurities, thinking i'm never really good enough, thinking that the person who is with me would be happier in someone else's company. so, i took some of my feelings and this is what i made lol. i will update the second part either tomorrow or on tuesday, but i think it will be shorter than this. (this has around 9k words so the next one will probably be only 6k words). i actually wrote 80% of this fic already and divided it into two parts, so i'm guessing that the word count will be around 6k, but i'm not sure,, maybe it will be less maybe more haha.
> 
> also big thank you to my friend hasti who doesn't even know the ship but was very excited to read the fic and give me lots of precious feedback. her nice words basically keep me writing.
> 
> so, enjoy (i guess) and let me know if you like it :) i'll be happy for your feedback as well, since i am (hasti knows lol) very stressed about posting it because of it probably(idk) being ooc. so yea, just lemme know what u think pls

"We should break up."

Kiyoomi expected that his words would be followed by silence, but the fact that he predicted it isn't actually making the situation any more bearable. It's not ony that Atsumu has stopped talking; it's also as if the whole world has gone quiet around them, wanting to eavesdrop on the conversation between the two. Even the wind has died down, the leaves on the trees not rustling anymore. Kiyoomi finds himself hating the complete quietness, because with no other sound to focus on, the only thing his ears catch is the sound of his own heart beating rapidly inside of his ribcage. 

When Kiyoomi looks at Atsumu after a few seconds, finally collecting enough courage to do so and tearing his gaze away from the ground, he sees Atsumu looking straight back at him with wide eyes, his brown orbs filled with utter confusion and shock. His mouth is hanging slightly open too, and his eyebrows are raised high, creating creases on his forehead. The expression doesn't suit Atsumu at all, Kiyoomi decides. It's different from every face Kiyoomi has ever seen him make, no matter where it was on Atsumu's wide scale of expressions, ranging from a stupid over-confident look to the one of a theatrical misery. This is just way too raw, way too pained, and Kiyoomi hates himself for being the cause of it.

"Huh?" is Atsumu's response, and it's seemingly the only thing the man could think of after the minute-long silence that stretched between them.

"We should break up," Kiyoomi repeats, more clearly now. He doesn't let any emotion seep into his voice, keeping it neutral and detached, as if breaking up with Atsumu was the easiest thing ever, while in fact it's the complete opposite. Atsumu doesn't have to know that though. It's better if he thinks that Kiyoomi doesn't care.

"I knew your sense of humor was kinda shitty, but this really ain't funny, Omi-kun," Atsumu says, chuckling, but Kiyoomi can see right through the useless attempt to turn this situation into a joke. He thinks that, maybe, Atsumu hopes that this is just a joke in the end. Sadly for both of them, it's not.

"I'm not joking," Kiyoomi tells him, forcing himself not to look away from Atsumu's eyes. It proves to be one of the hardest things Kiyoomi has ever done. "I'm breaking up with you, Miya."

This time, it takes only a second before Atsumu reacts, his eyebrows furrowing as frustration overtakes the surprise. "Oh, second name basis, I see," he bites out, and when he takes a step closer to Kiyoomi, Kiyoomi stands his ground, not moving away despite the pain in his chest steadily growing. "What's this? What're you trying to do?"

"It's what it is," Kiyoomi says, still keeping the eye-contact. "We agreed to just try it out. We did. It didn't work out-"

" _It didn't work out_ _?"_ Atsumu gasps, repeating Kyioomi's words back to him. "It was working out great 'til now. I thought we were alright- you never even said that something was wrong!" Atsumu raises his voice a little, his feelings getting the best of him as he speaks. "Why didn't you just talk to me if something was wrong?" he asks then, realizing that something _must_ have been off, since they are having this conversation. 

"I'm telling you now."

"You-" instead of continuing, Atsumu takes a few steps back again and runs both of his hands through his hair, letting out a frustrated exhale. He focuses his gaze on his surroundings instead of Kiyoomi for a while, visibly collecting his thoughts, and Kiyoomi just watches him quietly, his chest physically hurting at the sight. "Okay... Okay," Atsumu mutters to himself, trying to calm down and sighing once more before turning back to Kiyoomi. "Can you just tell me what's up?"

"Nothing. I simply don't feel like doing this anymore," Kiyoomi says, willing himself to sounds as emotionless as he possibly can. He's doing this for Atsumu, so he can't let his own emotions get in the way. In the end, this is the right choice, even if it doesn't feel all that right at the moment. "I take you for a professional, so I believe this won't affect our teamwork on court." The more Kiyoomi talks, the more Atsumu breaks in front of him. It's something Kiyoomi doesn't want to look at, but forces himself to; he deserves to witness the pain he's causing. "I'd appreciate if-"

"What did I do?" Atsumu interrupts him, his voice barely a whisper, but it makes Kiyoomi stop talking anyway. It also makes him lose his breath momentarily, because hearing Atsumu sounding so broken is enough to shatter his composure. Kiyoomi doesn't let it show though, his eyes still stone cold and impassive as he stares back at Atsumu. "It's something I did, right?" Atsumu asks, and Kiyoomi bites the insides of his cheeks so hard that it could draw blood. He doesn't want Atsumu thinking that it's his fault, not when Kiyoomi is the one at fault. "C'mon, Omi-kun. Just tell me." When Kiyoomi doesn't say anything, Atsumu takes it upon himself to continue, saying everything that comes to his mind, "Look, whatever it is that I fucked up, I'm sorry, okay? I'll fix it, just don't end things with me like that. Don't do this to me."

 _This isn't going anywhere_ , Kiyoomi thinks. The longer this conversation is, the more painful this whole thing gets. Kiyoomi kind of hoped that Atsumu would agree to break up without argument - maybe with a little tantrum because his pride got hurt after being dumped, but otherwise without much trouble. After all, doesn't Atsumu see that this isn't working out? They are way too different to be together in an actual relationship. Maybe they are good now, but it would all break apart in the future - they need to end it before it gets serious, and Atsumu should understand it. Kiyoomi is giving him a way out, an opportunity to leave, so why is Atsumu not taking the chance? Why does he keep on arguing with Kiyoomi on this? He can't possibly be blind enough to overlook the fact that they would only hurt each other more if they kept dating. And if he is, then it's Kiyoomi's job to end things, to be the smarter one out of the two. 

It's not that he doesn't like Atsumu, no. In fact, Kiyoomi thinks that he might like the man a whole lot, however bizarre it sounds, even to Kiyoomi himself. He never imagined that he would feel such a strong affection for someone, much less for Atsumu of all people, but he guesses that some things aren't ruled by logic, and this is the proof. When Kiyoomi thinks about it now, however, he supposes that he should have listened to his brain instead of his stupid emotions when it came to Atsumu, because if he did, he wouldn't have to be in this difficult situation. He wouldn't have had started dating Atsumu in the first place either, because while his heart was all for the decision to say _yes_ to Atsumu's confession, his brain knew it was going to end badly. 

Atsumu wasn't meant to be with someone like Kiyoomi, and Kiyoomi knows this now. He deserves so much more than Kiyoomi can offer.

"Kiyoomi, talk to me," Atsumu whispers, voice breaking, and Kiyoomi thinks that he's breaking along with it. Hearing Atsumu saying his whole name instead of the stupid nickname isn't helping either. "Come _on,_ Kiyoomi, just-"

"There is nothing else to say," Kiyoomi talks over him, glad that his voice didn't betray him. "I just don't want to do this anymore, and that's it. I'd appreciate it if you accepted it and moved on." When Atsumu just continues to stare at him, Kiyoomi decides to deliver the final blow. Maybe if Atsumu hates him, he'll just forget about him quicker. "I thought you had more pride in you than that, Miya. This is getting pretty pathetic, don't you think?"

"...The fuck's wrong with you?" Atsumu basically spits the words, and it's only a second later that Kiyoomi sees his eyes glistening with tears. He wonders if Atsumu is crying because of frustration or sadness. Or both. "You're acting like a dick, but I _know_ you're not one."

"You don't know me," Kiyoomi says, narrowing his eyes at Atsumu. "So don't act like you do."

"Y'know what? Fine," Atsumu finally, finally exclaims, throwing his hands in the air. "Fuck you, Kiyoomi. If you don't want to talk to me, don't. I don't care anymore." But Kiyoomi knows that Atsumu does care, and it hurts all that more. "Also, you don't have to worry about volleyball; I won't screw up my career just because of some asshole." And with that, Atsumu turns around with a scoff after glaring at Kiyoomi for the last time. "See ya at practice."

Kiyoomi watches him walk away, looking at his retreating form until Atsumu is no longer in sight. Just then, when Atsumu is long gone, does Kiyoomi let his body relax, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding. His hands hurt from how he had them balled in fists for the whole time, hidden from Atsumu's eyes inside his pockets, but Kiyoomi refuses to think about it. Instead, he turns to the opposite direction and slowly starts walking home too, eyes trained on the road ahead of him. With every step his body feels like it's in more pain than before, but Kiyoomi ignores it and continues walking, telling himself that he did the right thing. They weren't good for each other. They would eventually hurt one another, and it would be more painful than a break up after a few weeks of dating. Kiyoomi did the right thing, for both of them.

But then, why does it feel like it was anything but right? 

Kiyoomi has a hard time falling asleep when he gets home despite being as tired as one can possibly be. It's late, and he has to wake up early for morning practice, but no matter how hard he tries, sleep just isn't coming to him. It isn't all that surprising that he can't fall asleep, on the other hand. After all, how can he be anything else than wide awake when his head is full of never-ending string of thoughts? Overthinking is something Kiyoomi does more often than not, so he is pretty much used to not being able to fall asleep at night, but right now, with his whole body hurting from the mental pain he has brought up upon himself, he would welcome the sweet embrace of sleep more than ever before. 

Kiyoomi wonders if Atsumu is awake too. He probably is. Atsumu stays up pretty late almost every night no matter the situation, but Kiyoomi guesses that even if Atsumu really wanted to get some more sleep than usual today, he wouldn't be able to fall asleep. Not after what happened this evening. Kiyoomi is sure that Atsumu still keeps blaming himself for the break up, walking around his apartment in the dark while wondering what he did wrong, unaware that there is nothing he should be blaming himself for. Kiyoomi wishes he could tell him the real reason behind the break up, explain that it's all his fault and not Atsumu's, but he knows how it would end; with Atsumu saying that they can figure it out, that he's okay with things being like they are. But it's not okay. Atsumu can't be okay with how things are, definitely not. He might think he is, for the time being, but if they kept on dating, Atsumu would realize that their relationship has no future, and what then? They would date for god knows how long, and it would still end the same as it did today. At least now they spared themselves additional pain thanks to Kiyoomi's decision. 

Kiyoomi was selfish enough to chain Atsumu down to him for a month just because he liked him so much, but he couldn't let it continue any longer. He could see how he deprived Atsumu of so many things, and he could no longer be inconsiderate enough to keep at it simply because he liked the man. It's not fair to Atsumu.

 _I did the right thing,_ Kiyoomi tells himself as he blankly stares at the ceiling above him. _Atsumu deserves better._

Atsumu deserves someone who would go out with him and have some fun, not someone who hates crowds and would only ruin the mood if they are persuaded to join in end. Atsumu deserves someone who will be proud to be with him, not someone who decides that it's better to hide their relationship. Atsumu deserves someone who would return the affectionate gestures, not someone who has a problem with mere hand holding or kissing. Atsumu deserves someone normal, not someone like Kiyoomi. It doesn't matter if Kiyoomi likes Atsumu; some people are just not made for each other, and attraction isn't enough to hold the relationship together. Atsumu might be angry at Kiyoomi now, but thanks to Kiyoomi's decision to let go, he will find someone who is more fit to be with him. 

_Yes, I did the right thing,_ Kiyoomi tells himself again, rolling to the other side of his bed and closing his eyes, attempting to fall asleep yet again. 

It doesn't help that the moment he closes his eyes, he sees Atsumu's crestfallen expression behind his close eye lids. 

Atsumu doesn't talk to him before practice when they are in the changing room. He doesn't even look at Kiyoomi for more than two seconds, and honestly, Kiyoomi should be happy; after all, this is what he wanted, right? But instead of feeling happy, he feels like dying inside. Atsumu wholeheartedly ignores his presence, instead talking to Bokuto and Hinata about some new video game with a smile on his face, and Kiyoomi is left watching from afar, glancing at the man from time to time because he just can't resist. When their eyes meet accidentally, Atsumu looks away immediately, and Kiyoomi feels his heart sink into his stomach. 

_You wanted this,_ Kiyoomi repeats in his head as he focuses on changing to training clothes, forcing himself to stop paying attention to Atsumu. It proves to be difficult, especially when he hears Atsumu's laugh only a meter away, hears his voice as he talks to literally everyone but Kiyoomi - not like Kiyoomi is surprised. It's just that it's unusual that Atsumu is not all over him like he always is, or that he is not riling him up with every chance he gets from the moment Kiyoomi steps in the changing room.

It will take some time to get used to it, that's all. 

When practice starts, Kiyoomi forces himself to focus solely on volleyball. Not only he is a professional and has to take this seriously, but he also told Atsumu not to mix personal problems with their career, so he should take his own advice and do the same. They have a great chance to win the league this year, and Kiyoomi refuses to let the chance slip just because he can't contain his emotions. 

And really, Kiyoomi is doing great at practice, so great that nobody notices that something is off. Well, at least until he is paired up with Atsumu for a three-on-three game, that is. That's when his composure crumbles a little, especially when he sees the way Atsumu looks away with a frown, his lips forming into a thin line as if being paired up with Kiyoomi was the worst thing possible. Luckily, the only one to notice that something is not alright is Bokuto, who raises his eyebrows questioningly, his big eyes jumping from Atsumu to Kiyoomi in confusion. After all, it definitely must come off as strange when Atsumu is sporting this kind of displeased expression instead of laughing and saying something stupid about _being paired with my favorite, nasty spiker again._ However, before Bokuto can say something, Kiyoomi frowns at him slightly in warning, and Bokuto shuts his mouth again, understanding the message. 

Willing himself to look neutral and uninterested, Kiyoomi walks over to his team that consists of Hinata and Atsumu and comes to stand beside them with his arms folded across his chest. He feels Atsumu looking at him but he ignores it to the best of his ability, reminding himself that he has to look like yesterday didn't affect him at all, like he doesn't care. If Atsumu thinks Kiyoomi doesn't care, he'll move on quicker - at least Kiyoomi hopes so. 

During the game, Kiyoomi gets perfect sets from Atsumu, like always. The game is overall great, their teamwork on point, and to an ordinary eye it would look like everything's alright, but Kiyoomi can't help but feel the tense atmosphere the whole time. Atsumu is still loud and he still has his stupid off-hand comments, but he directs his attention to everyone but Kiyoomi, like Kiyoomi isn't even here. Even when Kiyoomi gets blocked, he doesn't receive a jab from Atsumu in any kind of form, be it verbal or non-verbal. It's weird, it's something Kiyoomi definitely isn't used to, but he guesses this is how it's going to be for some time.

And he only has himself to blame. 

As always, Kiyoomi is the first one to shower, and also the first one leave. He bids a quiet goodbye to his teammates like he always does and makes his way out of the changing rooms and the gym, hands in his pockets and scarf around his neck as he walks out to the cold January weather. He is ready to go home and wallow in guilt and sorrow much like he did yesterday, but he is stopped by a voice calling out to him from behind. A very familiar voice to be precise, and Kiyoomi shuts his eyes tightly at the sound and stops, his teeth sinking into his teeth behind the mask. 

"Omi-kun, can we talk?" Atsumu asks quietly, his tone lacking the usual confidence. Instead, it sounds sad and hopeful, and Kiyoomi truly hates the sound of it. 

"I'm gonna miss the bus," Kiyoomi mutters, not turning around. He hopes that Atsumu would say okay and just let him go. Or more like, he prays Atsumu would do that. However, he should know better; Atsumu isn't the one to give up easily.

"You're gonna catch the next one," he says immediately, making it clear that he's not going to let Kiyoomi leave that easily. "Don't act like you have anything better to do. Can't you really spare five minutes for me?" he asks, and Kiyoomi sighs, feeling his resolve cracking. He knows he should say no and leave. He knows, and yet, he can't find it in himself to do it. 

With a sigh, Kiyoomi turns around and looks at Atsumu, his eyes widening slightly when he sees that Atsumu is standing there in just his training clothes, his body covered only with shorts and a short-sleeved shirt. "Are you crazy?" is what falls out of Kiyoomi's mouth before he can stop himself, worry and frustration evident in his voice. "You want to get sick? It's January-"

"I wanted to catch you before you leave," Atsumu says, shaking his head a little and brushing away Kiyoomi's concern. "So... can we talk? I promise I won't hold you up too long."

Kiyoomi shouldn't agree to it. He knows that every other conversation will only prolong the inevitable, and with every one of their talks will come a new wave of pain. However, how can he find it in himself to refuse when Atsumu is looking at him with that stupid hopeful glint in his eyes, his lips turned up by the corners in an attempt for a smile? He looks like he's ready to break if Kiyoomi walks away just like that, but what will be different after they talk? Kiyoomi will still walk away just the same, and Atsumu will break just the same as well. Is Atsumu some kind of masochist? First deciding to date Kiyoomi and then this. 

"Yesterday I said everything I wanted," Kiyoomi says, and he can see Atsumu's body going tense, the tiny smile he had on his lips falling. "There is nothing to talk about."

" _I_ didn't say everything I wanted," with that said, Atsumu takes a deep breath and with new-found confidence walks over to Kiyoomi, completely ignoring the fact that it's too cold outside to have just one layer of short clothing on. "Isn't it kinda unfair to me, hm? You should at least hear me out," Atsumu tells him, his voice having an edge of humor, but Kiyoomi knows better. After all, it's Atsumu's favorite thing to hide his pain behind stupid humor. "So, you think you could spare me like five minutes?" 

"...Whatever."

"So cold, Omi-kun. I thought you liked me a bit more," Atsumu chuckles, the sound so hollow that Kiyoomi feels his heart clench painfully. "Anyway, on Monday everything was alright, and then yesterday it suddenly wasn't. It must be something I did, then, and I really thought about what I did, and I think I know." Kiyoomi wonders just how much Atsumu thought about it all if he found a possible reason for the break up, when such a reason doesn't even exist. "It's because I forced you into that kiss, right?"

"..Huh?" When has Atsumu ever forced himself on him? No such thing ever happened, what is Atsumu even talking about?

"Yeah, I know it was too much. I had told you I'd respect your need for space and I fucked up in the end, and I'm sorry. It's just that- I thought you were okay with it? And I.. really wanted to kiss you then." Atsumu scratches the back of his head and looks away from Kiyoomi, his eyes full of guilt that has no reason to be there. "Anyway, I'm sorry. I won't do anything like that ever again, unless you really want to. So just... give me a second chance, please. I won't screw up this time. I'll be more careful." 

If Kiyoomi felt like a complete shit before for hurting Atsumu, now he undoubtedly feels thousand - no, million even - times worse. Not only he has made Atsumu feel like the break up was because of something he did, he also made the poor guy think that it was because of their kiss - the kiss that was the best thing Kiyoomi has ever had the chance of experiencing, the kiss that made him feel that yes, even for someone like him, there is a chance of being loved. And to top it all of, Atsumu thinks he was forcing himself on Kiyoomi with that? How can he think so? Atsumu had asked for permission at least three times before actually kissing Kiyoomi, and even that was just on Kiyoomi's cheek through the mask because Atsumu didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

Atsumu tried his hardest when it came to not breaching Kiyoomi's comfort zone, and yet he thinks he was too forceful with his physical attention? God, Kiyoomi truly feels like the worst person now. 

"It.. It wasn't because of that," Kiyoomi stumbles over his words a little, looking down at the ground. He's looking at the pavement with a frown, angry at himself for making Atsumu feel bad for something that isn't his fault. "I told you. You didn't do anything. It's not your fault," he says, trying as much as possible to get it through Atsumu's thick skull. "I just don't want to be in a relationship. It's not because of you. So just let it go."

"How can you tell me to let it go?" Atsumu asks, disbelief lacing his voice. "You can't just tell me that it didn't work out and not give me any reasons why."

"There is no actual reason why," Kiyoomi says. "I just don't want to continue dating, that's it. There's nothing more to it." With that said, Kiyoomi turns away and starts walking toward the bus stop, not being able to continue in this conversation. He feels like it would not end well if he stayed, so this is the best he can do. Walk away. Move on. 

"I'll ask you tomorrow as well, Kiyoomi!" Atsumu yells after him, and Kiyoomi just shuts his eyes tightly and continues walking, wishing Atsumu would just _stop._ Why can't he take all of that energy and find himself someone good enough for him? Why can't he do something more productive instead of chasing after Kiyoomi? Atsumu must realize that they wouldn't work out, especially now when he thought that the reason for their break up was that one stupid kiss.

Atsumu is overly touchy and affectionate, and he shouldn't hold back so much just because Kiyoomi is... different. He should be with someone who will be happy about being touched by him, not someone like Kiyoomi who needs a whole preparation just for hand holding, let alone a kiss. Kiyoomi can only imagine how starved for touch Atsumu was in their relationship, how much he wanted to be at least a bit physical but knew he couldn't be if he didn't wanted Kiyoomi to bolt. It wasn't healthy for Atsumu, and Kiyoomi couldn't just let him continue like that. 

The only thing Atsumu is guilty of is having a lot of affection to give, but choosing the worst person possible to give it to. It's a shame Atsumu doesn't realize it, really, because if he did, he could already have a good relationship with someone who is worth it. 

Someone who can also give back, not only take. 

Just like promised, Atsumu _does_ approach him the next day after practice. And the next day after that. And then again. It's always the same, with the only difference being the place where Atsumu catches him before Kiyoomi has a chance to leave. He wonders if others have noticed how Atsumu always runs off after Kiyoomi - and if they did, nobody says anything about it. Kiyoomi bets it's because aside from always following Kiyoomi after practice, Atsumu acts pretty much normal. During practice, his performance is the same as always. Before practice, he's all loud and obnoxious the way he usually is, and after practice it's the same. There are no visible changes when it comes to Atsumu's behavior, at least not to an ordinary eye, and Kiyoomi has to admit that Atsumu is pretty good at keeping up this _everything's alright_ facade. 

A week passes in the same fashion, with Atsumu waiting for him with a wistful smile after the training, and Kiyoomi wonders how it's possible that someone as prideful as Atsumu is going to such lengths for him. Honestly, even when Kiyoomi was thinking about how the break up with Atsumu will go, he half-expected the man to throw a huge tantrum because of his hurt ego and just let it go afterwards. The second outcome Kiyoomi predicted was Atsumu being sad about it on the day of the break up, but being more or less okay the next day, and then being completely unaffected by it by the end of the week. After all, they were together for only a month - give or take - and their relationship didn't even look like an actual relationship. There wasn't much Atsumu could miss about it, is what Kiyoomi thought. 

Which is why he doesn't understand _why_ is Atsumu here again, standing in front of the gym in the cold with only his dumb shorts and dumb shirt and dumb damn smile. 

"Hey, Omi-kun, can we talk?" he questions, and he sounds a bit different today than before. Kiyoomi can't put a finger on why it sounds different, but he definitely feels it. 

"You always ask the same question."

"And you always stay," Atsumu says with a chuckle and leans against the wall, looking Kiyoomi in the eyes as if he was searching for something, his gaze so intense that it makes Kiyoomi shiver. The way he's looking at him today is different, but Kiyoomi can't put his finger on what exactly is different. "But... I'll make it short today. Don't want you to miss the bus, I know you hate waiting in the cold." Kiyoomi hates how stupidly considerate Atsumu is when it comes to him even after Kiyoomi behaved like a complete ass. For how much of an asshole he presents himself to be, Atsumu is really nice underneath the smug attitude. He's still an asshole, but a really nice one. However, Kiyoomi is the last one who deserves to be treated so nicely. "The weather is really shitty today, huh?"

"And yet you stand here dressed like that," Kiyoomi mutters, eyeing Atsumu's bare skin with obvious judgement. 

"Yeah, well, I don't mind the cold, you do," Atsumu shrugs, inhaling deeply and then exhaling, as if he was trying to breathe out all his worries. It doesn't seem to work by the looks of it, but Atsumu still proceeds to push himself off the wall, walking up to Kiyoomi with his hands in pockets. He stops only when he's standing right in front of Kiyoomi, so close that Kiyoomi's nose catches the man's scent, a smell so incredibly alluring and enchanting. Kiyoomi should be uncomfortable because of the close proximity between the two of them - and he is, in a sense - but he's feeling more blissful than uneasy right now.

He has always felt this strange content warmth spreading through his whole body whenever Atsumu was close to him, his smell so bewitching that Kiyoomi felt his head spinning in the most beautiful way. Right now though, Kiyoomi finds himself enjoying it even more than ever before, since this is probably the last time Atsumu is so close, the distance between them so small that Kiyoomi can count all of Atsumu's eyelashes. 

"You know," Atsumu starts, his lips still curved into that pained half-smile. "I really like you, Kiyoomi." As the words leave Atsumu's mouth, Kiyoomi feels as if he was stabbed in the chest with at least ten knives, and no matter how much he wants to keep his expression neutral, this time it just doesn't work. Luckily, the mask and the scarf he has on covers most of his face, so it's only his widened eyes that give away Kiyoomi's surprise. "I thought you liked me too, but- whatever. The thing is, I like you, a lot-" he makes a pause then, taking in another breath to steady his voice that got a bit shaky. "-and that's why I should respect your decision. You were right, after all."

"..I...was?" Kiyoomi stutters out, his emotions raging. His mind is blank, and the only thing he can do is stare at Atsumu, who is gazing back at him with that hurt look in his eyes. 

"Yeah, I mean... I'm being pathetic as fuck, you were right," Atsumu says with a laugh, the sound so ugly and unfamiliar and different that Kiyoomi wants to un-hear it immediately. "I keep chasing you around like an idiot even after you decided to end things, and it's not fair of me. It's also embarrassing. So... sorry. I'll stop. I won't bother you anymore." 

"I-"

"I hope we can get along, though. I miss provoking you, and you sure as hell miss insulting me," Atsumu speaks over him again, his tone so cheerful and so incredibly _fake._ "I just- I really thought we could make it work, but it's not like I won't get over it, right? It's all good." _You are such a huge liar,_ Kiyoomi thinks as he looks at Atsumu, _You're literally two seconds away from crying... Or is it me?_ "But you know me-" and before Kiyoomi can react, there is a hand in his hair, fingers slowly entangling themselves in Kiyoomi's curls. His first instinct is to recoil from the touch, but he's too shocked to move - too shocked to do anything, really. Even his breathing stops for a moment. "I'm quite selfish. And a damn try-hard, never knowing when's the time to give up." And then, Atsumu grins in that beautiful, broken fashion, and Kiyoomi thinks he's breaking too. 

The touch is gone before Kiyoomi is ready, and then Atsumu steps away, mumbling, "I really wanted to do that for a long time. Thought this would be as good of a chance as any. I hope you're not too angry. I washed my hands before, too." Atsumu sighs, looking away in embarrassment as he steps away from Kiyoomi, realizing that he might be too close for comfort. "Well... See ya tomorrow, I guess. Get home safe." And that's the last thing Atsumu says before he turns away and starts walking back to the gym, leaving Kiyoomi alone outside. Kiyoomi watches him go, unable to move as he stands frozen in the middle of the street. His throat feels tight, his vision is getting blurry, and the place Atsumu touched is tingling, as if the man's hand was still there, fingers tenderly moving through Kiyoomi's curls.

Truthfully, Kiyoomi wants nothing more than to stop Atsumu from walking away, and he follows Atsumu's retreating form with his eyes, waiting, stupidly hoping that Atsumu will turn around again. He knows that he wanted Atsumu to move on, to find someone better fit for him, but at this moment, as Kiyoomi is left staring at Atsumu's back, he feels the urge to be selfish once more and stop him. Kiyoomi wants to yell at him, tell him that he himself is the stupid one, not the other way around. He wants to tell Atsumu that he didn't do anything wrong, that it's all Kiyoomi's own fault and there is no reason for Atsumu to blame himself. 

But most of all, he wants to apologize to Atsumu and tell him that he likes him too, that it wasn't one sided. The words are on the tip of Kiyoomi's tongue, his mouth opening and closing, but before Kiyoomi can find the courage to say something, _anything,_ Atsumu is already gone, the door closing behind him. The silence that comes is deafening and unbearable, and Kiyoomi can feel tears finally overflowing and sliding down his cheeks as he stands there alone for god knows how long, his eyes staring at the door of the gym. 

At this moment, he has really lost Atsumu, and it _hurts._

 _It's better this way,_ Kiyoomi tells himself as he exhales slowly, his chest feeling tight. He gulps down the knot that has formed in his throat and wipes away the stray tears, turning his back to the gym and walking to the bus stop. He keeps on repeating the same phrase during the whole way home then, forcing other thoughts out of his mind while he tries his damn hardest to forget about how good it felt when Atsumu's fingers were combing through his hair.

It - of course - doesn't work, and Kiyoomi is left with glassy eyes and pain in the chest for the next few hours, guilt and sorrow eating him up from inside as he lies in his bed, staring at the wall with an empty gaze. 

Truly, the amount of pain he felt in the past days can hardly be compared to how bad he feels now. The voices in his head won't shut up, and the pain in his chest is only getting bigger the more he thinks about Atsumu. It's funny really, the way he's breaking so loudly in this quiet night, but nobody hears; it's only Kiyoomi himself who will ever know about it, because there is no way he's telling anyone else that it only takes one Miya Atsumu to throw him off like this.

The next day, Atsumu seems to be better. He even greets Kiyoomi with a tight, unsure smile on his face once Kiyoomi enters the changing room, and although it's awkward, it's still progress. During practice, he interacts with Kiyoomi more, tasting the waters at first but then getting more comfortable with time, even going as far as throwing one of his many teasing comments Kiyoomi's way. After practice, Atsumu doesn't wait for him anymore either. Instead, he takes off with Bokuto to get something to eat for dinner, the two of them leaving even earlier than Kiyoomi because, apparently, Bokuto's boyfriend is already waiting for them and they have to hurry so they won't make Akaashi wait. 

Overall, it seems that now that Atsumu has had a closure he can truly move on, and Kiyoomi should be glad, he really should be, but he is not - at least not entirely. However, if nothing more, at least Kiyoomi is genuinely happy for Atsumu if not for himself, because that means Atsumu won't be hurting over the break up anymore. And that's good. That's great. Exactly what Kiyoomi wanted. 

But the thing is, after everything that Atsumu said yesterday, there is a crippling sense of doubt in Kiyoomi's mind, a voice that tells him _he liked you for real, maybe you could have really worked this out_. It makes Kiyoomi re-think the break up, and it also makes him re-think the way he was looking at things when he decided to end things with Atsumu. Now, he wonders if he really was right about everything or not, because despite being the way he is, Atsumu still liked him. How crazy is that? Despite not being out-going, despite not liking physical contact, despite being so closed-off, despite them being so, so different- Atsumu wanted to _stay._

It makes Kiyoomi think that he made a mistake, that he chose an easy way out because he was a coward.

But then, he reminds himself that Atsumu likes him _now_ and it would be a completely different story if they were to date longer. Atsumu would get bored for sure. 

He let Atsumu go because he was afraid that Atsumu would break his heart sooner or later, the man finding someone better and leaving Kiyoomi to bite the dust, and Kiyoomi didn't want to risk it. He didn't want to fall in too deep just to be left behind when Atsumu finally realizes that he can find a person who is a better match for him than Kiyoomi ever will be. Yes, Kiyoomi could fight for Atsumu if such a time came, but what for? He himself knows that he would lose. And besides, he wants something better for Atsumu, not this shitty excuse of a relationship. 

So yes, maybe he was a coward, but in the end, he protected both of their hearts from further pain with his decision. Well, at least Atsumu's - but that is what's important at the end of the day.

The first practice match is three days later. It's an away game and they have to travel quite a distance for it, and Kiyoomi strongly dislikes it. Not because it's far, no; he dislikes it because it means they are going to stay in a hotel, and Kiyoomi isn't a big fan of that. It's also his luck that he ends up rooming with Atsumu. It doesn't really come as a surprise, given that him and Atsumu are the only ones without a pair, but the knowledge doesn't make the situation all that better.

At first, Kiyoomi thought he was out of danger because _for sure_ Atsumu would room with Bokuto or Hinata, but he was quickly proven wrong when he found out that Bokuto has some family in the city, so he'll be staying with them, and Hinata roomed with Oliver already. And, judging by Atsumu's expression, Kiyoomi isn't the only one who is not exactly happy about how things turned out. However, Atsumu is the master of pretending, so of course he acts like everything's alright once they reach their room. Or maybe Atsumu is not pretending to be okay and he actually _is_ okay, and it's all just in Kiyoomi's head. 

"So, I guess you want to use the bathroom first?" he questions as he puts down his things and practically jumps on the bed, whipping out his phone. 

"Yes," Kiyoomi answers shortly.

"Okeey, enjoy then," he drawls out. "I think of going out for a bit, so don't be all sad and scared when you come out and I won't be there."

"We have to wake up early tomorrow," reminding him, Kiyoomi starts pulling out all the things he needs for his bath from the bag. 

"Of course I know that!" Atsumu says. "However, it would be a shame not to go anywhere. I heard that there is a really good club a few streets away. Besides, I can take care of myself, so you don't need to worry, Omi-omi!" The nickname makes Kiyoomi's eyebrow twitch in distaste. _Omi-kun_ was shitty but okay, but this new nickname is just horrendous. Kiyoomi already complained about it, but Atsumu waved him off, telling him that it sounds okay. And there is no arguing with Atsumu, really. "Or, you wanna go out with me? We could ask others as well-"

"I'm going to take that bath," Kiyoomi cuts him off immediately, the idea of going out to some club full of sweaty people almost repulsive.

 _See, you'd be bad for him,_ a voice in Kiyoomi's head whispers. _You'd always ruin fun for him._ Kiyoomi frowns at the thought; he promised himself not to think about such things. There's nothing between them anymore, so there's no use in thinking about it. Although, it's good to remind himself of some facts at times, no matter how depressing it is. Otherwise he would start thinking - again - about how it could have possibly all worked out had he given it a chance, and these thoughts are dangerous. And delusional at best. 

"Mhmm, have fun," Atsumu sing-songs, his voice so nice and pleasant and _fuck-_

Kiyoomi can't do this. 

When Kiyoomi walks out of the bathroom thirty minutes later, Atsumu is - surprisingly - still here. Before Kiyoomi can ask about it though, Atsumu speaks up, all playful smiles and a teasing tone, "Happy I'm still here, right?" 

"Incredibly," Kiyoomi mutters. "Coach told you you can't go anywhere?" 

" _No_ , Omi-kun, but great guess. I'm a free spirit, nobody would stop me if I wanted to go out."

"Aside from the coach," Kiyoomi says and hears Atsumu scoff.

"Okay, maybe the coach, but-" he makes a dramatic pause, and Kiyoomi can see him sitting up on the bed from the corner of his eyes. "-I didn't go out because I decided against it. After all, we have to get up early tomorrow." Atsumu says it so triumphantly, as if he thought about it himself instead of hearing it from Kiyoomi a few minutes ago. God, so annoying. _Endearingly annoying,_ the voice in his head supplies, but Kiyoomi shushes it immediately.

"So you're actually going to sleep?" 

"Oh, no." Atsumu shakes his head and laughs a little, as if Kiyoomi said something foolish. "I'm not sleepy at all."

"That's because you have fucked up sleeping habits," Kiyoomi reminds him with an eye roll.

"Mhmm, maybe."

"Not maybe. It's true."

"Well, true.. maybe." Kiyoomi turns his head in Atsumu's direction to glare at the man, but as he does so, he sees Atsumu already looking at him expectantly with a huge grin on his face, clearly happy with getting such a reaction out of Kiyoomi. Kiyoomi wants to be angry, but the sight is a bit too beautiful for him to be. "Anyway, I was watching a match between Japan and Brazil. Wanna watch with me?" he asks, and there it is again, that stupid hopeful look in Atsumu's eyes that makes Kiyoomi's heart skip a beat. 

"No," he replies. "Unlike you, I'd like to get some proper sleep."

"Come on, Omi-omi, don't be like that," Atsumu whines, leaning against the wall and waving his phone around. "It's just one match. It's boring to watch alone."

"You watched alone until now."

"Yeah, I'm saying - boring." God, trying to argue with Atsumu is really useless. "So, please? I'll let you sleep afterwards." 

Kiyoomi contemplates for a while, weighing pros and cons. Honestly, there are many more downsides, but in the end, it takes only one look at Atsumu's stupid face for him to nod in agreement. "Only one match," he warns, and wonders if it's aimed at Atsumu or at himself. "But go take a shower first." 

Atsumu's smile is blinding when Kiyoomi agrees. "Yeah, yeah, just don't fall asleep while I'm showering," he says, and with that, he starts rummaging through his bag, throwing everything he needs on the bed. "I mean it, don't fall asleep!" 

"Don't take too long and I won't." Honestly, it's an empty threat, since Kiyoomi would definitely wait for Atsumu now that he has promised to watch the match with him, but Atsumu doesn't need to know that. Hopefully it will make him shower quickly instead of standing in the shower for three hours. 

"Says you who spends forever there."

"I do not spend forever there."

"You do," Atsumu repeats, leaving no room for argument. "Anyway, wait for me. I'll be right back."

When the door to the bathroom closes and Kiyoomi is left alone in the room, he wonders what the _hell_ he's doing. He is basically seeing all the red lights and stop signs, and yet, he still decides to ignore them. 

As promised, Atsumu doesn't take long. Only ten minutes pass before he's out, wet hair sticking to his forehead and droplets of water falling on his grey shirt. He looks good, way too good, and Kiyoomi forces himself to look away, doing his utmost to keep his emotions in bay.

"You didn't fall asleep, good," he says with a chuckle, making his way to his bed after draping the wet towel on the radiator by the window. "So, let's watch?" it's phrased like an invitation, still open for Kiyoomi to refuse if he doesn't feel like it despite agreeing to it before. Atsumu is giving him a way out, and Kiyoomi wonders if he should take it. 

He decides against it. "Okay."

He walks over to Atsumu's bed then, sitting down on it carefully and leaning against the wall, copying Atsumu's pose. They don't sit too close, but it's still close enough for Atsumu's scent to travel to Kiyoomi's nose, and Kiyoomi wonders if it was a mistake to tell Atsumu to shower first, because now the smell that's invading his senses is strong and definitely harder to ignore.

"Who do you bet on?" Atsumu asks, taking his phone in hand and unlocking it, completely unaware of how what his mere presence does to Kiyoomi. 

"I'd hope for Japan."

"Yeah, me too! Let's watch and see."

Atsumu seems way too happy about this, but Kiyoomi would be lying if he said he isn't happy too. It's the first time in nearly two weeks that they are sharing an actual moment, not just a few words off and on the court. Kiyoomi has missed this a lot, honestly. There are still tons of negative emotions creeping in the back of his heart, but he decides not to think about them, just this once. Kiyoomi should let himself enjoy this moment, especially when they are practically dancing on thin ice with every interaction they have.

Who knows, this could be the last time they are sharing a moment like this, and thus, Kiyoomi should treat it as such. He should appreciate it as such. 

It's nice, watching a match with someone and being able to talk about it instead of watching alone - like Kiyoomi usually does. Both of them give some input throughout the match, analyzing the plays and pointing out some details the other might have missed. They even take interest in some attacks that they see, promising to try it out during practice sometime in the future. 

It's comfortable, really comfortable. Kiyoomi feels strangely content as he sits there with Atsumu, talking in hushed voices and sharing knowing glances when a particularly good attack flashes on the mobile screen. At some point though, sometime during the fourth set, Kiyoomi's gaze drifts away from the screen and falls on Atsumu instead, eyes silently, secretly taking in Atsumu's face. 

Kiyoomi knows that Atsumu is handsome, of course he knows. He's spent a great amount of time watching the man, after all. The thing is, Atsumu is even more beautiful when he's so close, his features illuminated by the screen and the crappy lighting that the table lamp provides. It's weird, honestly; Atsumu has a lot of great photos plastered all over the internet, with great lighting, perfect hair, his always-there mischievous smile and elegant posture, but Kiyoomi thinks that if he could take a photo of Atsumu now, at this very second, it would be the best photo out of all. There is something breathtaking about Atsumu in this moment, when his eyes are shining with deep interest as he watches the match, his hair is sticking out in every possible direction, and his face is looking so child-like and gentle despite the sharp edges of his features. 

"Fuck, wow, did you see that?!" Atsumu exclaims suddenly, turning his head to Kiyoomi in the speed of light, and Kiyoomi is caught staring because he got too carried away like the idiot he is and suddenly didn't have enough time to avert his gaze back to the screen. He tries to play it cool, biting the insides of his cheeks as he tries his hardest to keep a neutral expression, hoping that Atsumu will think nothing of it. If Atsumu has something to say about it, he doesn't voice out his thoughts and instead proceeds to stare back at Kiyoomi, his eyes intense yet soft as they hold the eye-contact. 

And then, Atsumu smiles at Kiyoomi, but it's nothing like his usual, fox-like grin. This one is way more genuine, tender, affectionate and _longing_ , and the atmosphere of the quiet, late night makes the mix of it all so very intimate and personal. 

It's all over for Kiyoomi, once again, and it's even worse than before because now he is way more aware of the trouble this all brings, all the chaos. 

But fuck, if Kiyoomi simply liked Miya Atsumu before, this smile - this damn, stunning smile - was daring Kiyoomi to fall in love with him instead. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hello again! lol so the fic was supposed to be two chapters long, but when i was writing the ending it got.. too long. i promised to update today, but i have three exams tomorrow and i need to study at least a bit, and since im tired as hell i need to sleep early, meaning i won't be able to write the 2k or so words that the ending is still missing. SO, i decided to divide the second chapter into two.  
> the last/third chapter should be either updated tomorrow or on thursday. it will be also around 6k words long because im finding out i cant not write long shit. 
> 
> after this fic i have an idea for a next fic, but the next one will actually be way more in character than this one. i realize this is pretty ooc, but im really obsessed with the ship rn and had a writer's block for a long time, so i wanted to write the only one idea i wanted and combined it with the ship i currently really enjoy. honestly, im really sorry for the ooc-ness, but at least my writer's block is no longer there, and maybe someone will enjoy it anyway lol
> 
> enjoy i guess haha

The next day when Kiyoomi wakes up to the sound of his alarm, Atsumu is still sleeping, his blond hair messy on the pillow and mouth hanging open slightly. From the safe distance of his own bed, Kiyoomi watches him for a while in silence and thinks about how he has messed up yet again, doing the exact opposite of what he told himself to do yesterday - the plan was to move on from Atsumu, not fall deeper for him, for Christ's sake. 

Kiyoomi knows that it's his fault this time too. If he told Atsumu no yesterday, everything would be alright, everything would be going in the right direction. But, yet again, he stopped listening to his brain and listened to his heart instead, which proves to be the worst possible decision, because it's exactly his heart that got him in this mess in the first place. Why won't Kiyoomi learn? It shouldn't be that difficult to make the right choices, especially for Kiyoomi who is as reserved and analytical as they come, overthinking everything to the last possible bit and acting upon it. 

Well, acting upon it as long as Atsumu isn't involved, it seems, because the moment Atsumu is involved Kiyoomi's brain seems to shut down, his logical side disappearing to god knows where. And at this point, it's beginning to become quite a problem. Kiyoomi has to be more careful from now on, listening to his head more-

"Morning, Omi-kun," Atsumu mumbles suddenly, interrupting Kiyoomi's train of thought. His voice is low, vibrant, and Kiyoomi's heart skips a beat as if on cue. 

He already knows that the plan to listen to his head more will fail miserably sooner or later. Just like every time until now. 

Kiyoomi avoids Atsumu for the upcoming days after the practice match - or more specifically, after their watching session the night before the match.

Well, not exactly avoids, that's not the right word, since he doesn't do his utmost not to interact with Atsumu in any way; It's just that he limits their interactions to the minimum, but still does it cleverly enough so that Atsumu or others won't notice it. It takes some work to balance it all so it doesn't look suspicious, but Kiyoomi makes it work because he promised himself that this time, he'll try harder. His resolve needs to be stronger this time too, since his feelings have gotten more intense as well. 

It isn't that hard, really. All Kiyoomi needs to do is keep Atsumu at distance whenever he can, but act like everything's alright when they are paired up together for a drill or any other occasion. He thinks he's doing a good job, since Atsumu doesn't look like he has noticed any change, and Kiyoomi - for once in a pretty long time - feels like he's doing something well when it comes to the Atsumu situation. His half-avoiding is a win-win for both of them: for one, Atsumu can move on from Kiyoomi while still being on friendly terms with him; and secondly, Kiyoomi can keep his distance until his feelings disappear while simultaneously still having Atsumu in his life. It's good, really good. 

The only problem is that a week passes, and Kiyoomi continues to feel the same about Atsumu, without the slightest change. Or more like, without the slightest change for the better. Because, certainly, there is a change, but not the one that Kiyoomi would welcome. His plan was supposed to help him forget about Atsumu, but it pretty much backfired, and now instead of losing feelings, Kiyoomi seems to be gaining feelings.

Which is shit, honestly.

He also finds himself feeling jealous, on top of everything, and he never felt such a thing. Even when he was with Atsumu, or before they had gotten together, he was never jealous. It's not like there was no reason to be, oh no - with how flirty Atsumu is and with how he always has flock of admirers behind him, there were many occasions when Kiyoomi could have been jealous. But he wasn't, because he felt like he didn't have to be. In the end, no matter how many people were interested in Atsumu, Atsumu always seemed to have eyes only for Kiyoomi. 

However, as Kiyoomi had the chance to find out, it only takes one Hinata Shouyou to make him jealous. 

Kiyoomi knows that Atsumu has liked Hinata from the moment the boy showed up. After all, Hinata, Atsumu and Bokuto shared similar kind of energy, so of course they would all get along, taking it as a mission to annoy everyone around and be as loud as humanly possible. Since the beginning, Atsumu liked hanging out with Hinata, the two of them becoming friends rather quickly, and of course Kiyoomi noticed, but there was no reason to get jealous over it, because Atsumu still spent less time with Hinata than with Kiyoomi. Now though, after Kiyoomi has set his plan in motion and distanced himself from Atsumu, Atsumu started spending a _lot_ of time with the ginger. 

And yes, of course, it's only logical, it makes sense that Atsumu would spend more time with Hinata now. The thing is, Kiyoomi has already come to understand that sometimes logic doesn't play a role in things, and this situation is just another proof, because if logic _did_ play a role here, Kiyoomi wouldn't be feeling like he's about to explode as he watches Hinata and Atsumu laughing a few meters away from him. 

It's not only the amount of time Atsumu spends in Hinata's company that he's jealous of, though. It's how good the two of them look together that makes Kiyoomi sick. It's the way they laugh together, the way they talk together, the way they are both so visibly happy when they are together, and so much more. Kiyoomi has been watching them for quite some time now, so he noticed just how well Hinata and Atsumu get along, expressions bright and eyes shining when they have a conversation. They also look very content in each other's company. _Comfortable_. 

That's probably what Kiyoomi is jealous of the most; how comfortable they are together, because he knows that Atsumu was never that comfortable with him. With him, Atsumu pushed his own comfort away to make sure that _Kiyoomi_ was comfortable. With Hinata on the other hand, Atsumu looks to be completely at ease, and Kiyoomi is again reminded about how bad he was for Atsumu, and how right the decision to let Atsumu go was. Atsumu deserves to be with someone like Hinata, someone who will make him feel free, and that someone is definitely not Kiyoomi. 

However, as he sits on the floor in the gym after practice, watching Atsumu draping his shoulder around Hinata's frame with a smile, he has a fleeting wish to be that someone for Atsumu, in spite of everything.

If only Kiyoomi was a bit more like Hinata, maybe he could have been. 

It's three days later that they have an official match, and they win. The team wants to go celebrate - Kiyoomi not so much, but he is persuaded to go anyway. 

_"You promised that you'll go with us once in three times after a match, it's the third time today, Omi-omi!"_ Bokuto had reminded him, and when Kiyoomi still kept refusing, Bokuto took it upon himself to give him a long talk about how important it is to keep promises. It was then that Kiyoomi finally agreed, his ears already hurting as Bokuto rambled on for minutes. 

That's how Kiyoomi ends up seated on a big couch in a club, with people being way too loud and music being even louder. Fortunately though, Bokuto's boyfriend Akaashi is there as well, so Kiyoomi isn't the only one who is completely out of his element and comfort zone. Akaashi also sits right next to him, so while everyone else is talking over each other, almost screaming to be heard through the music, Akaashi and him share a calm, quiet conversation while watching everyone else. 

Until their calm bubble is rudely destroyed a few minutes later, that is. It begins with Bokuto who is desperately thirsting for attention from his boyfriend, and continues with Kiyoomi's teammates persuading Kiyoomi to have a few drinks with them. Getting Akaashi's attention is a lot easier than getting Kiyoomi to drink though.

"Omi-omi, don't be boring!" Bokuto whines, a bottle of sake dangling in his hand. With how much Bokuto moves around, it's a surprise he hasn't spilled anything yet, truly. "One drink won't kill you! Don't you want to celebrate our great victory, hm?"

"I'm here. I'm celebrating," Kiyoomi replies, slapping Bokuto's hand away from his face along with the bottle of alcohol. "I don't need to get shit faced to celebrate."

"Haa?! I'm not drunk, and also won't be. You know, I have amazing tolerance," Bokuto says, priding himself, and as a proof he starts pouring himself another drink, gulping it down immediately. 

"It's true, his tolerance is remarkable," Akaashi tells him quietly while Bokuto is busy laughing about something with Hinata. "He still manages to get drunk, though. He doesn't know when to stop once he starts drinking." 

The both chuckle at Akaashi's comment, and it catches Bokuto's attention right away. "Akaashi!" Bokuto almost yells. "Don't make fun of me behind my back!" Kiyoomi momentarily wonders how did Bokuto hear what Akaashi said when he was talking to Inunaki at that moment, but he decides to let the thought go, since understanding how Bokuto's brain works is too much work. 

"Even your boyfriend knows you can't hold your liquor," Meian laughs, and Bokuto turns away from Akaashi again, quick to defend himself. Kiyoomi listens to the argument with amusement, watching how Bokuto gestures wildly with his hands as he tries to prove that his tolerance really _is_ good, even going as far as telling Meian - and everyone else - about his many alcohol adventures. These adventures end up being turned against poor Bokuto in the end when Akaashi reveals how all of the previously mentioned situations actually happened - mostly with Bokuto doing something incredibly stupid - and Kiyoomi fins great entertainment in seeing Bokuto's expression turning so miserable. It almost makes up for Bokuto dragging him here. Almost. 

Kiyoomi enjoys how Bokuto is being made fun of until his vision is suddenly blocked, and he turns to the side to find out who is responsible for it. He sees Atsumu smiling at him with a glass in his hand and wonders when did Atsumu changed seats, and how is it possible that Kiyoomi didn't notice. "Hey, Omi-kun," Atsumu says, his voice as pretty as his smile, and Kiyoomi feels his breath stop for a second. "Have a drink with me." 

Kiyoomi eyes the glass in Atsumu's hand, then looks back at Atsumu and tells him, "I don't drink."

"Bullshit," Atsumu accuses him without missing a beat. "Komori told me you do."

"Komori doesn't know what he's saying," Kiyoomi mutters, frowning, already thinking of kicking Komori's ass. When did Atsumu even had the time to ask him that? "When-"

"Just one, Omi-kun," Atsumu interrupts, handing Kiyoomi a glass. Kiyoomi eyes it with obvious scepticism, and is surprised to see the way Atsumu is holding the glass; carefully, touching as little of the surface as possible. "It's a clear one, I promise," he says as he sees Kiyoomi analyzing it. 

"...Just one," he agrees in the end. After all, when was he able to resist Atsumu? And it's not like he's doing something that bad, anyway.

"Just one," Atsumu agrees, his smile widening as Kiyoomi takes the glass with one hand and proceeds to take his face mask off with the other.

"I-"

"Sakusa Kiyoomi!" Bokuto yells, cutting Kiyoomi off. Kiyoomi turns to look at him, startled. "What is this?! I tried to get you to drink since we came here, and you say yes to him just like that?!" Everyone starts laughing then, and Akaashi pats Bokuto's shoulder too soothe him, followed by others. Bokuto looks like he's ready to cry, and Kiyoomi wonders if there is someone on the world who is a bigger drama queen than Bokuto. 

After a while Kiyoomi turns back to Atsumu, but Atsumu is still laughing, having the time of his life as he makes fun of Bokuto. When he hears Kiyoomi's quiet _cheers then_ however, he focuses his attention on Kiyoomi once more, his eyes shining as he holds up his own glass. "Cheers, Omi-kun!" He looks happy, way too happy about such a simple thing, but somehow, his joy manages to affect Kiyoomi too, making Kiyoomi smile along with him. 

Without wasting any more time, Kiyoomi heaves the glass up to his lips and drinks it all, gulping down the contents. It tastes disgusting, like alcohol always does, and it makes Kiyoomi grimace. He closes his eyes for a moment, putting the empty glass on the table using only his memory about the table's whereabouts, and when he opens his eyes again, Atsumu is still looking at him, his own glass full.

"What?" Kiyoomi asks flatly. 

"Nothing," he replies with a shrug. "Y'look good when you smile, that's all." He says it nonchalantly, with that stupid smirk of his, and Kiyoomi wonders if Atsumu knows what he's doing, or if he's completely unaware of the fact that Kiyoomi is fucking _burning_ inside because of those few words. 

"Shut up," Kiyoomi mutters in response, turning away from Atsumu and putting his mask back on, hoping that it will cover the way his face has reddened from the compliment. 

So much for losing his feelings. 

Approximately one hour and a half later, the inevitable happens. Kiyoomi doesn't go out with his team often, but he has heard enough about what happens when Atsumu and Bokuto are too tired of just sitting around and drinking. 

"Let's dance!" Atsumu exclaims and stands up from the couch. There is a round of sighing, Meian muttering _here it comes,_ and of course, then there's Bokuto who jumps up immediately, agreeing with Atsumu. "Who else is comin'?" they some in unison with Bokuto, expectantly looking from one person to another. 

"I'll go!" Hinata stands up too, excited, and clearly pretty drunk already. "Akaashi-san, are you going as well?" 

"No, I'm afraid I'm not," Akaashi declines politely. 

"Really?" Bokuto asks, pouting, clearly wanting Akaashi to tag along. 

"Yes. I'll probably go get some fresh air in the meantime."

"Want me to go with you?" Bokuto asks, wholeheartedly ignoring Atsumu who is tugging at his arm, telling him to come already. 

"No, you don't have to. Go dance," he says with a gentle smile, then looks at Kiyoomi. "Kiyoomi-san will probably accompany me, hm?" Kiyoomi is confused for a bit, not expecting Akaashi to come up with the idea, but he nods in the end. He could use some peace and quiet. 

"Okay then!" Bokuto grins, leans down to peck Akaashi on the cheek and then he's running away, his laugh echoing off the walls as he almost falls down after tripping over his feet. Kiyoomi just chuckles at the sight and looks back at Akaashi who is still watching Bokuto, smiling fondly with this far-away look in his eyes. He looks... happy. Really happy, and content, and Kiyoomi feels a subtle sting of envy in his chest. 

Bokuto and Akaashi are very, very different. Everyone can tell, but somehow, they are together. Kiyoomi has heard that they have been together for around three years now - they are even living together. He wonders how it's possible, when Akaashi is so quiet, calm and reserved and Bokuto is literally the life of every party, the loudest person in the room. It doesn't make sense to Kiyoomi. Wouldn't both of them want to be with someone who is more like them, not polar opposites? People say that opposites attract, and it might be true, but Kiyoomi could never picture a relationship like that working out. 

Maybe that's why he feels a bit envious; because Bokuto and Akaashi are making it work, while Kiyoomi is too much of a coward to try. 

"Coming?" Akaashi asks, standing up. Kiyoomi only nods again, following Akaashi's suit, and they walk out of the club with a promise to be back in a few minutes. Kiyoomi exhales deeply in content when they are out of the club, just now realizing how much he actually disliked being inside, breathing in air that tasted like sweat and... too many people cramped in one place for too long. He isn't much of a fan of cold weather, but as the breeze caresses his skin, he appreciates the cold more than he ever thought he would. 

He turns to Akaashi, not surprised at all to see that Akaashi's pleased expression matches his own. "Why are you still here when you're clearly not enjoying yourself?" Kiyoomi asks. "You've been here long enough. Nobody would say anything if you gave some excuse and left."

"You don't seem like you're enjoying yourself either, but you're still here as well," Akaashi says instead of answering the question as he leans against the wall of the club, looking up at the night sky. "It's not that I'm not having any fun," Akaashi proceeds to actually reply to what Kiyoomi asked after a few seconds, and Kiyoomi walks up to him, coming to stand next to Akaashi - but definitely not leaning against the wall. That's disgusting. "It's just not exactly my type of thing. But I'm not unhappy about the fact that I'm here."

"Because your boyfriend's here?" Kiyoomi questions, wondering if he's being too rude for asking, but then deciding he doesn't care all that much. Akaashi doesn't seem offended in any way, so it should be okay. 

"You could say that," Akaashi agrees. "Of course I'm happy about being out with him, but I also have a hard time connecting with people, and Koutarou's presence helps me. I feel more at ease when he's around."

"Why does he not call you by your given name? Aren't you together for like, three years?" he pries further. 

At that, Akaashi lets out a chuckle, saying, "He does call me by my given name, but there are times when he calls me by my surname just because he feels like it."

"Why?"

"He once said he likes the sound." Akaashi shrugs and then turns his head to look at Kiyoomi, chuckling once more when he sees Kiyoomi's confused expression. "You should already be used to Koutarou not making any sense sometimes," he says, and truly, Kiyoomi shouldn't be that surprised to hear such a stupid answer. It's Bokuto they are talking about, and Bokuto is a very... interesting person. 

"Hmm.." is all Kiyoomi says in response, and they fall into a comfortable silence once more, both of them just enjoying the quiet and a bit of fresh air. As they stand outside the club for a while, Kiyoomi glances at Akaashi a few times out of the corner of his eyes while still thinking about how the two of them are still together despite their different personalities. He usually wouldn't care that much, but after what happened with Atsumu, Kiyoomi can't stop himself from pondering over Bokuto and Akaashi's relationship. Doesn't Akaashi think that he holds Bokuto away from having fun, since Bokuto is literally the most social person Kiyoomi has ever seen? Or doesn't Bokuto feel bad about being not good enough for Akaashi who is all one could ever hope for, or something?

 _How the hell are they making it work?_ Kiyoomi asks himself, frowning in thought. 

"If you want to ask something, do it," Akaashi suddenly speaks up, surprising Kiyoomi. "I can see there's something on your mind."

Kiyoomi wants to wave it off at first, but Akaashi seems to be quite interested in what's going on in Kiyoomi's head, and Kiyoomi could use some answers. Both of them know that Kiyoomi isn't exactly the shy type who would be afraid to ask questions, and Akaashi isn't the type to get offended easily either, so why not ask? "...How are you two together?" 

"In what sense?"

"In every sense," Kiyoomi says, frustration seeping a bit into his voice. He was never the one to get swayed by emotions this much, his tone mostly dull and flat when he was speaking, but this whole situation is getting the better of him. Sometimes, he is really surprised by how much this all is affecting him - it is way more than anything he expected. "I just don't understand how... it _works_."

"Mhmm," Akaashi muses, and Kiyoomi expected him to be a bit shocked to hear such a direct question, but Akaashi looks calm and collected, clearly thinking about a lot about the answer he's going to give Kiyoomi. "I honestly don't know," he says in the end. "I guess we complete each other, in many ways. Since meeting him, I've become more social thanks to him, less uncertain and reluctant about going out once in a while. And I think Koutarou is more grounded than before." Kiyoomi has definitely noticed how Bokuto calms down the tiniest bit when Akaashi is around, although he's still as wild as they come. "It wasn't easy, at the start. Of course we had our differences, but we sorted them out before it got too serious, finding a mutual understanding. I don't think it's that special, though - in every relationship, it's important that both people are involved just the same. When trouble comes along, both people need to want and try to do their best to solve the problem, since being in a relationship isn't only about the good and happy times."

"Aren't you afraid to be with someone like Bokuto?" Kiyoomi asks directly, without beating around the bush. He knows he doesn't need to specify the _someone like Bokuto_ part because they both get that there would be a lot of adjectives to describe Bokuto. "Don't you feel like you're not good enough? Don't-"

"Is this about Atsumu-san?" Akaashi asks, cutting him off. Kiyoomi's eyes widen in shock at the question; he definitely didn't expected that. How- "I just guessed," Akaashi continues before Kiyoomi can ask about it. "Koutarou mentioned something about you two being 'weird' lately, but I understood when I saw you today. I wasn't sure, but I connected it when you started asking questions now." Kiyoomi doesn't like the fact that he was so transparent, but at the same, he thinks it's not that bad - Akaashi isn't the one to go around telling everyone about this new-found knowledge, so really, it could be worse. The only thing that Kiyoomi dislikes about Akaashi knowing about his affection for Atsumu is the fact that it feels more _real_ when someone else knows. He doesn't like people knowing things about him, especially not serious things like this. He kept pretty much to himself his whole life, so this feels... strange at best. 

"We dated. I broke up with him," Kiyoomi explains quickly. He really doesn't like talking about it - which, honestly, is stupid, given the fact that he's literally prying into Akaashi's personal life, seeking for answers he couldn't find out by himself. It's also quite pathetic, but Kiyoomi tries to ignore the feeling. "I think he can find someone better. He'd be happier with someone else."

"Why do you think he wants someone else?" Akaashi asks, and although this whole conversation is making him a bit uncomfortable, he is glad Akaashi isn't questioning him further about the break up, or the fact that he dates Atsumu. "Do you know how he feels?"

"He was definitely not happy, that much is clear."

"And did you ask him about it, or did you just assume that it's true?"

"I know it," Kiyoomi says. "He may think he was okay, but he wasn't. It's not only about the obvious differences-" Kiyoomi guesses he doesn't have to be specific about that part; Akaashi surely knows. Maybe that's why it's not that hard talking to him about it, given the fact that Akaashi must have felt the same at one point for sure. "-it's about much more. It wouldn't work out in the end either way."

"Well, you must think there is way it would work out, otherwise you wouldn't be asking me about the things you did," Akaashi points out, and it makes Kiyoomi pause. He supposes that Akaashi could be right, even though Kiyoomi himself didn't want to admit it, didn't even think about such a possibility before. "But, to answer your questions.. Of course I think I'm not good enough for Koutarou, but it doesn't matter, because _he_ thinks I'm good enough. That should be important, because I'm sure there were times Koutarou felt like he wasn't good enough either, but it's not true, and I hated that he thinks of himself that way." It makes Kiyoomi wonder if Atsumu felt like that too when they broke up, like he wasn't good enough. He probably did, and Akaashi is right - Kiyoomi _hates_ it too. "Also, I'm not afraid, not anymore. I trust him, so I believe him when he says he wants to be with me. There were times I thought that he'd be better with someone more similar to him, but if he wanted to be with someone else, he would be. I'm not holding him hostage." Akaashi makes a pause, tilting his head to the side a little. "I'm sure you didn't hold Atsumu-san hostage either, so it means he must have wanted to stay with you."

"It's better this way."

"Who says?"

"Me," Kiyoomi says, his voice sounding rough. He's so frustrated because what Akaashi is saying is logical, it all makes sense, but it's also _wrong._ "I was holding him down. He was feeling uncomfortable and restricted. He'd get bored of it all soon enough - I saved us from wasting time."

"You don't know that."

"I do," Kiyoomi continues to disagree. 

"No, you don't. You just think so," Akaashi says, standing his ground as well, but his voice is not aggressive. It's the exact opposite; he talks with such an even tone that Kiyoomi suddenly feels stupid for not being able to hold his tamper in control. "He really likes you. He talks about you a lot too, and when he does, he definitely doesn't look unhappy." Kiyoomi frowns - Atsumu talks about him? "What are you so afraid of?" Akaashi asks, and Kiyoomi could tell him about ten things right now, off the bat. "He wants to be with you, and when you broke up with him you took away the chance to let him decide for himself. You say he'd get bored of you, you're clearly afraid of that, right? But when you broke up with him, didn't you made him think that _you_ got bored of _him_? He doesn't want someone else - he wants to be with you, _stay_ with you. So what if you think you're not good enough? I'm sure he'll make you feel that you are more than good enough, if you gave him a chance. Relationships take two, and break up should also be a decision of both, not just one."

"...You sure do have a certain point of view when it comes to this," Kiyoomi points out, quite impressed by the fact that Akaashi's voice didn't waver once during the whole conversation. He sounded so calm and collected that if someone saw them talking but didn't hear them, they would think that the two of them are talking about something completely simple and trivial like weather, not Kiyoomi's life crisis. 

"I got a talk like this quite a few times," Akaashi admits, scoffing. "I lot of things I told you, I was told too." So, it looks like Akaashi understands Kiyoomi more than Kiyoomi thought. "I know first hand that it's your own decision in the end, but you should give it a chance, give _him_ a chance. Let him decide for himself what he wants."

"I'll... I'll think about it," Kiyoomi promises honestly, and Akaashi nods, pushing himself off the wall.

"We should get back. We've been here quite a while."

"I didn't think you would have so much to say," Kiyoomi admits. He thought Akaashi would just answer his questions shortly, with no additional sentences, but Akaashi sure has lots of words when it matters, it seems.

"Well, I was there too, at one point. So I understand you."

When they get back, Hinata, Atsumu and Bokuto are back already, and when they see them coming back, Bokuto jumps out of his seat with a grin and practically runs to Akaashi, hugging him. "I missed you, Keiji, where have you been for so long?" he asks, theatrically sad, and starts dragging Akaashi back to the table by the hand, as if they weren't going there before anyway. When they sit back down, Bokuto continues talking about whatever he was talking before he got distracted, but he doesn't let go of Akaashi's hand the whole time, holding it like Akaashi would leave if let go. 

Kiyoomi watches them, noticing Akaashi's quiet but reassuring presence beside Bokuto, and Bokuto's huge grin whenever he looks at Akaashi for a reaction, lingering on every word Akaashi says. They definitely look happy, and Kiyoomi wonders if this could have been him and Atsumu if only he wasn't too afraid of being a disappointing partner, too afraid to get his heart broken. 

Kiyoomi looks away from Bokuto and chances a glance at Atsumu, who is currently talking to Hinata about something Kiyoomi doesn't hear through the music and Bokuto's loud voice in the background. Atsumu looks like he's having fun, his eyes shining as he talks to Hinata, and Hinata looks the same. Kiyoomi thinks about everything Akaashi has said as he watches Atsumu, and the first thing that comes to his mind is that with his decision, he made Atsumu feel like he wasn't good enough. Then he thinks about how he thought he's doing the right thing, but was selfish enough to make the decision himself, not giving Atsumu the opportunity to talk to him about it. Until now, Atsumu doesn't even know what was the real reason for the break up, because Kiyoomi refused to tell him, hiding the truth behind lies and nonchalance. 

Was it really the right choice in the long run? If not, what else is even there to do now? He should at least explain to Atsumu properly, so Atsumu doesn't think that he did something wrong. 

"Hey, Omi-kun, getting lost in your thoughts again?" Atsumu's voice brings him back to reality, and he blinks a few times, finally looking away. How long did he actually stare at Atsumu? God. "Wanna have a drink with me instead?" he asks, and his words are slurred, eyes a bit more unfocused than before. Looks like Atsumu's been drinking while Kiyoomi and Akaashi were out. 

"I promised you one," Kiyoomi reminds him. 

"Promise me another one then," Atsumu says, and Kiyoomi just shakes his hair at the absurdity of the sentence. Not like it's much of a difference from how Atsumu usually says, but still. "Last one."

"No."

"Omi-kun, come on."

"No."

"Please."

"No," Kiyoomi repeats with a roll of his eyes. "Haven't you had enough already? You look ready to die."

At that, Atsumu smiles, as if Kiyoomi just didn't insult him. "You know," he starts leaning forward, not breaking the eye-contact with Kiyoomi. Kiyoomi feels as if Atsumu was staring right into his soul. "I was saving my last drink for you, Omi-Omi."

"Unfortunately for you, I don't want it." _Fuck, the things he says sometimes,_ Kiyoomi thinks. 

"You do," Atsumu insists. "You're just lying to yourself." And as Atsumu says that, Kiyoomi thinks that this is not just about alcohol anymore. Atsumu is watching him intensely, and although there is that stupid smile plastered on his face, Kiyoomi has the feeling that what Atsumu said had more than one meaning.

However, no. There's no hidden meaning behind it. Kiyoomi is just overthinking again, reading too much into it. Atsumu doesn't know about Kiyoomi's true feelings - he has no way to know. 

"This is the last fucking one."

"Of course, last one," he agrees, but the amusement in his tone is telling Kiyoomi that it's a lie. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ok so, finally done. tbh, when i started writing it, i liked the idea and my writing way more than now. maybe it's because i haven't written in a while and now feel like something is off. maybe it's because i see all these great, in-character fics and i feel a bit bad about my fic being so ooc and mediocre. i explained in the last chapter's notes why it's that way, but i think the most important thing when it comes to writing is author liking their own work, and i don't feel like i completely love this story. however, i'll be happy if at least someone decides they like it haha. i already have a new fic in mind and i'll promise it'll be more in character. i'll try really hard.
> 
> there are some sentences that were inspired by atticus' poetry, and i changed them up a bit so they'd fit, so just to let u know. 
> 
> well, enjoy. i guess. thank you for your support :)

In the end, Kiyoomi drinks more than one drink. By the time they are going back to the hotel with the rest of the team, Kiyoomi feels a bit tipsy - not drunk by far, but definitely not sober either. Atsumu and Bokuto are way worse than him - by far - and the two are loud as they walk the city streets, even louder than they usually are. Hinata is quiet for a change, the poor guy drunk enough to pour all of his remaining energy into walking, not engaging in the conversation with Bokuto and Atsumu for a change. The rest of the team is mostly okay, aside from Meian who got into a drinking competition with Atsumu and while he might have won the game, he definitely doesn't look like a winner now as he is draped over Adriah's left side, his limbs doing a poor work when it comes to walking straight. 

Kiyoomi has to admit that while he was very reluctant to go, it wasn't that bad. After all, seeing Bokuto completely shit-faced is a sight to behold, and Kiyoomi even takes a photo of him, just so he can make fun of him later. He pities Akaashi though, who is basically caged in Bokuto's hold, the man not letting Akaashi leave him even for a second - Akaashi doesn't look that unhappy to be honest, maybe just a little annoyed. 

When they get to the hotel, they bid one another good night before leaving to their separate rooms, and everyone seems to be delighted about the fact that they are finally back after a long night, but Kiyoomi is unable to share that happiness, given that he shares his hotel room with Atsumu - again. This time he really thought that he'll be lucky enough to room with someone else, but unfortunately, he was mistaken once more. He doesn't know how they ended up together, since according to what he heard, Atsumu was supposed to room with Hinata, and that left Bokuto for Kiyoomi. Not that he was too happy about it, but in the current situation, a loud idiot is still better than Atsumu. 

"Hey, Omi-kun," Atsumu calls out for him, his words slurred. Kiyoomi doesn't answer, because he is sure that Atsumu will just say something stupid. He should be happy that Atsumu is still able to talk, given the fact that he drank everything that was given to him. "Omi-kun, Omi-kun, answer meee," he whines, and Kiyoomi only sighs, shaking his head. "C'mon, Omi-Omi."

"What?" he asks in the end to humor Atsumu, thinking that if Atsumu says what he wants he'll just shut up. Dealing with Atsumu is hard enough, but dealing with drunk Atsumu is going to be hell. Especially when Kiyoomi has had a few drinks himself.

"I'm feelin' like shit."

"You'll feel even worse tomorrow," Kiyoomi tells him without turning to look at Atsumu, fishing for the keys in his pocket. He also pulls out a tissue, and holds the handle with its protection when he opens the door to their shared room. He throw the tissue in the bin by the door right after, waiting for Atsumu to get in before kicking the door close lightly. "You're totally fucked," Kiyoomi points out when Atsumu throws his coat on the floor just like that and then proceeds to ungracefully kick it out of the way. 

"Yeah, that I am," Atsumu agrees, and then laughs, having no respect for the other guests at the hotel. 

"Shut up," Kiyoomi shushes him. "It's two in morning, idiot."

"I got ya to drink, Omi-kun," he says, completely ignoring Kiyoomi's previous warning. "Who would have thought that I'll get ya drunk."

"I'm not drunk, you are. Unlike you, I know when to stop," Kiyoomi says with a roll of his eyes, taking off his coat and putting it in the wardrobe. "I'm going to take a shower."

"Now?"

"Yes, now. And when I'm done you're going to take one too," with that said, Kiyoomi takes his things for the shower and disappears behind the bathroom door, leaning his back against it with a heavy sigh once he's alone. Since they talked with Akaashi, Kiyoomi hasn't been able to stop thinking about their conversation, and having Atsumu somewhere close to him the whole time was not helping at all. Although the team outing wasn't as bad as Kiyoomi thought it would be, he feels quite drain and wants nothing more than to go to sleep and leave tomorrow. 

With that in mind, he takes a quick shower without washing his hair, knowing he wouldn't be able to fall asleep with wet hair and he is too tired to stay awake until it dries at least a little. He puts on his sleeping clothes after shower, and he's basically sleeping on his legs while he's brushing his teeth, with the image of his welcoming bed in mind. Plus, he definitely feels the impact of the drinks he had, even if it's only a bit, and he really wants to just sleep it off. 

"You can go," Kiyoomi calls out once he's out of the bathroom, leaving the door open for Atsumu. He aims straight for the bed, putting his used, folded clothes on the bedside table. When he doesn't hear Atsumu saying anything in response or doesn't hear a single movement, he turns to look at Atsumu, just to find out that the man is already asleep, sprawled on his bed and still fully clothed. Kiyoomi's eyebrows twitch, and he sighs loudly before walking over and kicking Atsumu's arm that is hanging off the bed. Atsumu doesn't move even then, and so Kiyoomi kicks his arm once more, this time stronger. "Wake up, idiot."

"Mhmm," Atsumu mumbles, frowning, but he doesn't open his eyes. "Leave me alone, Omi-kun. I wanna sleep."

"Go take a shower," Kiyoomi says, no empathy at all. 

"Don't wanna."

"Atsumu. Go and take that fucking shower," he repeats, hovering over Atsumu's bed. "If you take a cold shower, you might feel better. And you also stink. So go, or should I drag you there?"

At that, Atsumu finally blinks his eyes open, though not fully. He looks at Kiyoomi from under his eyelashes, his face squashed against the pillow as he asks, "Would you though?"

"Would I what?"

"Drag me to the bathroom," Atsumu mumbles, and then he grins at Kiyoomi, rolling over to lie on his back. He runs a hand through his hair, brushing away the stray strands from his face, and there's fire behind his half-lidded eyes. Kiyoomi feels his face heating up, and he looks away immediately. 

"Go shower," Kiyoomi repeats once more as he turns to walk away, and he manages to take one step toward his bed before he feels a hand closing around his wrist, the touch light but definitely still there. Kiyoomi's eyes widen, and he flinches immediately, almost jumping away. It takes him less than a second to tear his hand away from Atsumu's hold, and when he does, he touches his own wrist as if it was burned. It surely feels like it is, at least.

He looks at Atsumu with a shocked expression, and is even more surprised to see Atsumu looking at him with a similar face, eyes wide open and mouth hanging open. "I- I didn't-" he stumbles over his words, and it seems that that the situation has made him sober up, because the moment he realizes what happened, he sits up on the bed, raising his hands in surrender. "I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I really am," Atsumu apologizes frantically, and Kiyoomi wonders who is more shocked because of the accident, if it's himself or Atsumu. "Omi-kun, I really-"

"It's fine," Kiyoomi interrupts, his voice rougher than he intended. "It's okay," he repeats, gentler this time, but his words probably aren't very convincing when he's still staring at Atsumu like the man has grown a second head. He's still holding his wrist in his other hand too, his skin tingling from the touch, and it reminds him of that one time Atsumu touched his hair. Kiyoomi tells himself that he hates it, but he knows that the truth is different. 

"No, really, I don't know why the fuck I did that," Atsumu says and stands up, wobbling on his feet. As if on cue, Kiyoomi takes a step back, his body moving on its own, sensing danger that Kiyoomi's been avoiding for as long as he can remember. But despite his body reacting the way it did, moving on instinct, Kiyoomi feels warm all over, as if Atsumu really did set a fire to his body with a single touch. It's unnerving, really. 

"Just go take the shower already," is the only thing Kiyoomi says before he turns around and goes to the bathroom, his fingers tracing the place that Atsumu has touched as he walks. He comes up to the sink and washes his hands, especially the wrist Atsumu has touched, and wonders if the water and soup will do the trick and his skin will finally stop tingling. 

It doesn't help much. 

When he returns back and aims straight for his bed, he doesn't dare to look at Atsumu and soon enough, he hears the bathroom door close, and he breathes out, the tension in his body easing slightly. He hates his own reaction, honestly. He doesn't like when people touch him, but when Atsumu did, he wasn't as uncomfortable as he should be. 

He really hates it. 

Fifteen minutes passes, and Atsumu is still not back. Kiyoomi listens to the sound of the water running the whole time, not being able to fall asleep despite how tired he was, and when another five or so minutes pass, he begins to worry a bit. Aside from the sound of the water he doesn't hear anything at all, not even a single movement, and it takes him another five minutes before he calls out, "You alive there?" No answer comes. "Atsumu, I hope you didn't drown there." 

When the silence is his only reponse, he really starts to be afraid. He gets up from the bed, walking over to the bathroom door, and knocks. "Atsumu answer me or I'm going to kill you myself." No answer again. His gaze falls to the door handle, and he reaches out but hesitates. Should he check on Atsumu? It's getting really worrying, but if Atsumu is alright and just doesn't hear him or something, it could get awkward really fast, and Kiyoomi has had enough awkwardness for today. And it's only two thirty in the morning. 

The thought that Atsumu could really be in trouble convinces him though, and Kiyoomi's hand is already hovering over the handle when suddenly he hears the water stop. He breathes out in relief, cursing stupid Atsumu in his head as he stands in front of the door, the worry finally leaving him. 

After his heart rate goes back to normal, Kiyoomi is ready to go back to bed, but then the bathroom door opens suddenly, and Kiyoomi jumps in surprise when Atsumu appears in front of him. It seems that he's not the only one shocked by the situation, because Atsumu lets out a yelp when he notices Kiyoomi standing there, and as he steps back in surprise, he slips on the wet floor. 

"Fuck!" he yells when he loses his balance, tumbling forward, and Kiyoomi catches him instinctively, desperately tying to keep both of them standing so they won't fall down. In the end, he manages to keep them both on their feet, but the collision causes the distance between them to disappear after the two were grabbing one another for dear life to keep themselves off the ground. Because of that, they end up being so close that Kiyoomi can feel Atsumu's breath on his face, still stinking of alcohol but also mentol toothpaste, and when the unmistakable scent of Atsumu is added to the mix, it makes Kiyoomi's brain stop.

It seems that he's not the only one who is not only rendered speechless but also motionless, given the fact that Atsumu doesn't move an inch as well, just staring at Kiyoomi with an expression that looks like deer caught in the headlights. They stand like this for a while, their hands still on the other's body and eyes holding eye-contact, but Atsumu is the first one to come back to Earth, and when he does, he literally pushes himself away from Kiyoomi.

"The hell were you doin' here!?" he shrieks, voice high-pitched. It brings Kiyoomi back to reality as well.

"Me?" Kiyoomi asks angrily, hugging his body with his arms in protection like a wounded animal. "I called out to you three fucking times and you didn't answer - I wanted to check on you, idiot," he spits the words like fire.

"I-"

"I thought something happened to you in there, with how piss drunk you are," Kiyoomi speaks over Atsumu, the worry from before turning into frustration. "Was it that hard to answer?" asking, Kiyoomi glares at Atsumu. When Atsumu just stands there without a word, it pisses Kiyoomi off even more. "Fuck you. I'm tired, but because of you I couldn't fall asleep, since answering once is such a great problem for you. I-"

"I'm sorry, okay?" this time it's Atsumu interrupting Kiyoomi, his voice apologetic but frustrated as well. He's still slurring the words. "I was thinkin' and didn't hear you."

"About what? What's so important that-" 

"About you!" he says, and it's definitely enough to throw Kiyoomi off, anger forgotten in a matter of one second. He parts his lips to say something, but no words leave his mouth, so Atsumu continues. "I was thinkin' about you," he repeats, this time more gentle than before, and sighs deeply, running a hand through his wet hair in frustration. "I can't stop thinkin' about- about everything."

Kiyoomi gapes at him, not fully realizing that Atsumu really said what he did. When he accepts the fact that he, in favt, heard right, he clears his throat and says, "You're really drunk. Just go to sleep."

Turning around and wanting to hide himself under the covers, Kiyoomi starts walking toward his bed with a clead goal, but he is only able to make one step before Atsumu speaks up. "So what if I am?" he asks, and the next second he's standing in front of Kiyoomi, his lips pressed into a thin line and eyebrows furrowed. "I'm tellin' the truth. You're always on my goddamn mind."

"Atsumu," Kiyoomi says his name, warning clear. Atsumu, of course, doesn't take it. 

"What's wrong with that?" he questions, taking a step forward, making Kiyoomi back away immediately. "You can't blame me. You broke up with me just like that without tellin' me where I screwed up - it's obvious I'll keep thinkin' about it." Atsumu approaches him again, and Kiyoomi's reaction is the same. He takes two steps back this time though, and he would take more if his back didn't hit the wall right beside rhe bathroom door. "The least you can do is fucking explain."

"I told you already," Kiyoomi seeths, feeling as uncomfortable as he possibly can. It's like Atsumu is caging him. "I didn't feel the same." The lie is bitter on his tongue.

"Bullshit," Atsumu accuses, moving even closer, and Kiyoomi has nowhere to run anymore when Atsumu puts his hands against the wall from both sides of Kiyoomi's head. Right now, Kiyoomi is glad that he's taller than Atsumu, because without his height, he would most likely feel pretty intimidated at the moment. "If you didn't like me you wouldn't act like this." Kiyoomi bites the insides of his cheeks to keep his expression from slipping and showing surprise. It would only fuel Atsumu more - although it hardly looks like Atsumu needs more fuel to keep going. He's managing just okay on his own.

"Like what," Kiyoomi says, as if daring Atsumu to continue, see if he will. 

He should know by now that Atsumu will. 

"Like you care about me too."

"...Would you please let me go?" Kiyoomi asks, averting his gaze. "This is getting ridiculous."

"So why don't you just tell me the truth then?" Atsumu asks. "Or do you enjoy fuckin' with me so much?"

"I've already told you the truth. Let me go," Kiyoomi requests, frowning at Atsumu. This is getting too much. "Just because you're drunk-"

"It's not about it!" Atsumu almost yells, and it startles Kiyoomi, making him look back at Atsumu. Atsumu's eyes are half-lidded and glassy, his face having a a slight pink hue; he's clearly still drunk, probably sick as well after everything he has drunk, but the cold shower seemed to help, because Atsumu's gaze is more focused and serious now unlike before. "It's true that I'd probably never say anythin' to you if I were sober, but it's not like I've lost my goddamned mind just because I had a few drinks," he says in a frustrated whisper, and Kiyoomi never knew that a whisper could sound so loud. It feels like Atsumu is screaming the words at him. "Stop makin' a fool outta me, Kiyoomi."

"You're making a fool out of yourself," Kiyoomi tells him, because it's easier to insult Atsumu than to say something about the serious about the matter on hand. Maybe if he makes Atsumu angry like on the day of the break up, Atsumu will give up and leave Kiyoomi alone. Kiyoomi would definitely like that more, since he is definitely not ready for such a confrontation. 

"No, you are," Atsumu tells him. "You told me you don't feel like bein' with me, but then you go and you look at me like you do, and it makes me fuckin' crazy." And then Atsumu leans in even closer, his face a mere two inches from Kiyoomi's face. "You make me fuckin' crazy. I like you so much it makes my head spin," Atsumu says, and punches the wall beside Kiyoomi's face weakly. The broken tone of Atsumu's voice makes Kiyoomi's heart hurt, that disgusting, ugly pain spreading through his chest again as Atsumu keeps gazing at him with such a pained look in his eyes. It seems like his previous anger is dissipating, that now Atsumu is just tired. 

Kiyoomi doesn't know what to say, honestly. What can he say to all that anyway? He is speechless after hearing that Atsumu is definitely not over him like Kiyoomi thought. And not only that, Atsumu's feelings seem to be the same as before, meaning that Atsumu was pretending the whole time that he has moved on, and Kiyoomi knows first hand how draining, how exhausting it is to be able to keep up a facade. Why did Atsumu do it? Wouldn't it be better for him to just ignore Kiyoomi until he's okay? Why would Atsumu-

"I wanted to be angry at you-" and you have every right to be, Kiyoomi thinks. "-but I didn't want to just cut you off. I missed you. I missed us. But you didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, so I thought that if I pretend I moved on, you'd be okay with talkin' to me again. And you were, so I kept it up, I was okay with it, but how dare you fuckin' go and look at me like that after you broke up with me?" Atsumu questions, giving another weak punch to the wall. "You're doing it even now, you asshole." Kiyoomi averts his gaze immediately once he's accused. "So, can you just tell me what I did wrong and not pretend like you just lost feelings or some shit, because I don't believe it." 

"...You did nothing wrong," Kiyoomi says quietly. It's the only thing he is able to say, because he doesn't want to talk about everything now while Atsumu is in this state. Kiyoomi also needs to prepare himself mentally for that, so such an impromptu confrontation is something Kiyoomi would like to stop from continuing. For now, he just really needs to make sure Atsumu understands that there is nothing he should be sorry for, although he guesses that Atsumu won't believe it anyway - like he didn't believe until now when Kiyoomi told him it isn't his fault. 

Even after the conversation with Akaashi, Kiyoomi didn't think he'd ever be brave enough to talk to Atsumu about why they really broke up. He promised Akaashi to think about their conversation, and he didn't lie; he wanted to think about it for real, to see if he can change his mindset about things, but there was not a scenario in which he actually thought he'd come clean about things to Atsumu, especially since he thought that Atsumu is moving on. But now that he knows that Atsumu realizes there was more to it than Kiyoomi let on, he might as well just talk about it. He really isn't ready to talk about it right now, though. 

For a moment, Atsumu is silent, and Kiyoomi wonders if he finally understands that he was not at fault in any way when it comes to the reasons because of which Kiyoomi broke up with him. Kiyoomi would be happy if he did. "Do you like me?" Atsumu asks after a while, and Kiyoomi tenses, balling his hands in fists. Why does Atsumu even ask when he most likely already knows the answer? They wouldn't be in this situation if he believed that Kiyoomi was telling the truth and that he doesn't feel any affection for Atsumu. 

"It's not only about that," Kiyoomi says. He might be evading direct questions, but he's not lying anymore, at least. 

"Maybe not," Atsumu agrees. "But it's what matter to me."

"But-"

"Do you like me, Kiyoomi?" he repeats, and it makes Kiyoomi slowly look back up at Atsumu. The moment they make eye-contact Kiyoomi's heart stupidly skips a beat, because Atsumu is looking at him with all the love and affection in the world, and Kiyoomi can't come to believe that someone is looking at him in that way - like they would give up everything if Kiyoomi just asked. Why would anyone look at him like that? Why would Atsumu look at him like that? Kiyoomi is the last person on earth deserving of such a look from Atsumu. "I like you," he says, like so many times before, and Kiyoomi wonders, how is Atsumu brave enough to do it? 

Of course I like you too. The words have been on the tip of Kiyoomi's tongue for quite a while now, but Kiyoomi has never said them. Even when Atsumu confessed to him back in the day, he didn't say the words; he said We can try it and see if it works instead. He's too much of a coward to say the words even now, when Atsumu is begging him to say them. How bad is that? 

The longer Kiyoomi keeps quiet, the more the light in Atsumu's eyes starts to die out. When another minute passes and Kiyoomi continues to just stare at him wordlessly, Atsumu sighs and looks down at he the ground, his hands dropping from the wall. Again, it feels like he's letting Atsumu go, for the second time. It feels like the last chance to do something, and this time for real - Kiyoomi is strongly aware of it, but still, his mouth won't open to let the words out. 

What are you afraid of? Akaashi asked him, and there is a lot Kiyoomi is afraid of. But right now, the thing that scares him most is the possibility that this is his final chance to keep Atsumu in his life, and he's letting it go. 

"I guess I really am the one makin' a fool out of myself," Atsumu chuckles hollowly and runs a hand through his hair, taking a step away from Kiyoomi. He stumbles a bit, his legs still wobbly, and Kiyoomi is ready to catch him again, but this time Atsumu manages on his own. "I'm sorry," he apologizes. "I keep doin' the same shit. I'll-"

What are you afraid of?

"I do," Kiyoomi cuts him off, his voice so quiet that he's surprised Atsumu has heard him and stopped talking. He turns his gaze back to Kiyoomi again, and Kiyoomi feels a knot forming in his throat under the scrutiny of Atsumu's gaze. "I do like you too," Kiyoomi elaborates, willing himself to keep his tone even - it's hard when breathing proves to be difficult at the moment. The only thing keeping him going is the way Atsumu's eyes start shining, that beautiful glint there again, and Kiyoomi feels happy that his words can do more than hurt Atsumu all the time. 

It's weird to hear his own voice finally saying the words that have been on his mind for so long now, but it sounds somehow pleasant as well. It certainly is freeing, if nothing else. 

"So-"

"But I don't want to talk about it now," Kiyoomi tells him. "You really need to go to sleep now."

"Then why did you-"

"Go to sleep," Kiyoomi says again. "We'll talk about it, just go to sleep for now." Atsumu licks his lips, ready to say something, but the look in Kiyoomi's eyes seem to stop him, and he closes his mouth again, continuing to just wordlessly stare at Kiyoomi. Kiyoomi can see the gears turning in Atsumu's head, the man trying to piece everything together and make a sense of it, and Kiyoomi knows it must all be confusing - and probably frustrating as well - but Kiyoomi feels physically unable to talk about everything now. It's unfair and selfish to make Atsumu wait for him once more, but it seems that's how Kiyoomi just is. 

"...Okay." And for some reasons, despite how unfair Kiyoomi is to Atsumu, Atsumu yet again accepts it. "Okay, fine," he repeats, although Kiyoomi sees that he has thousands of questions to ask. "But if you try to avoid me-"

"I won't," Kiyoomi promises.

And this time he actually means it. Maybe it's the time for him to man up a little and be less of a coward. 

It seems that Atsumu's braveness and boldness or whatever it is rubbing off on him. 

The next day, from the moment they wake up to Kiyoomi's alarm, Atsumu's gaze follows Kiyoomi everywhere. Kiyoomi knows that he's watching, and he makes sure Atsumu realizes that he's not ignoring him or avoiding him in any way. This time, Kiyoomi isn't running away - he just needs time to collect his thoughts, so he can give a proper explanation to Atsumu, because that's what Atsumu deserves. Atsumu seems to understand the situation because he doesn't push, for which Kiyoomi is incredibly grateful. The only thing he tells Kiyoomi is an apology for his behavior from a few hours ago, saying, "Sorry for... being like that yesterday." He wants to say more, but Kiyoomi stops him, saying it's okay - that he understands, because he does. And then, it's quiet between them again. 

However, while Atsumu doesn't try to talk to Kiyoomi, he's always by Kiyoomi's side. In a way, Atsumu doesn't give Kiyoomi a chance to avoid him, even if Kiyoomi wanted. His constant presence is like a reminder that they still have things to talk about, despite Atsumu being considering enough not to force Kiyoomi into having a conversation right this instant. Kiyoomi can see it's eating him up - this state they are in now - and he wonders how the ever-so-blunt and curious and prying Atsumu is holding back. 

Although Kiyoomi doesn't know how Atsumu is doing it, it doesn't mean that he doesn't know how hard it is, to keep quiet while wanting to know the answers. That's why Kiyoomi makes sure to let Atsumu know that he appreciates it, in the little things, such as: during the breakfast, Kiyoomi automatically sits next to Atsumu, handing him some medication for the hangover he very likely has; when they get to their bus, he goes to his usual seat in the front, but this time he asks Atsumu if he'd like to go with him; and during the ride, he takes a hold of Atsumu's jacket sleeve, fingers gently holding the fabric. It feels strange, to be this affectionate - because to Kiyoomi these things are definitely a sign of gerat affection - especially after he hadn't been this close to Atsumu for quite a while now. But, on the other hand, it feels good and makes Kiyoomi's heart beat in a whole new and different rhythm. 

Atsumu looks happy about all of these little things, stupidly happy. And reassured. Kiyoomi finds himself being more peaceful as well. It's somehow easier to think when Atsumu is right next to him; his thoughts seem to be much clearer, that's for sure. 

He just wonders how well he'll be when the time comes to finally voice his thoughts.

After the ride home, Atsumu follows close behind Kiyoomi as they walk to the park - the same park Kiyoomi broke up with him in. It feels strange to walk the same roads now when the last memory he has of this place is of how Atsumu walked away in frustration after Kiyoomi ended their relationship. 

Kiyoomi finds himself feeling nervous as they walk, the knowledge that in maybe two minutes he'll be coming clean about his emotions being scary as hell. Kiyoomi has kept to himself for probably his whole life; he isn't exactly good when it comes to holding a conversation, much less when it's about his feelings and secrets that he kept hidden no matter what. The chances are, Atsumu doesn't even begin to know about how much Kiyoomi likes him - loves him - and the thought of confessing and putting his heart fully on the line stresses him out more than he thought possible. But he tells himself that Atsumu did the same for him, throwing away that pride of his in order to try and get Kiyoomi back, so Kiyoomi should do the same. 

After approximately five minutes of walking, Kiyoomi chooses a bench to sit down on, his bottom on the very end of the wood - he's more like leaning his body on the bench than actually sitting. Atsumu sits down too, putting a distance between them, and Kiyoomi feels his heartbeat speeding up slightly when he realizes that this is actually happening. He chances a glance at Atsumu; Atsumu is looking at him with nervousness and curiosity written all of his face, and Kiyoomi wonders if Atsumu can sense how nervous Kiyoomi himself is as well. Kiyoomi knows that his expression doesn't exactly give much away, but he can't help but think fleetingly that Atsumu knows about his inner turmoil anyway. 

"So," Kiyoomi starts, willing his voice to stay even, although it proves to be hard when he feels like his whole body is trembling slightly. There's a lump starting to slowly but surely forming in his throat, and Kiyoomi gulps, thinking it will help. It doesn't. 

"So," Atsumu echoes when Kiyoomi doesn't say anything more for a while. Really, talking about feelings is the worst thing imaginable, Kiyoomi thinks bitterly when he finds himself being unable to continue even when Atsumu gently urges him to. It's damn strange, that he was thinking about what to say to Atsumu since he woke up today, and now when the time to say all those things is finally here, Kiyoomi's mind becomes blank. He doesn't even know where to start- "I can ask about stuff," Atsumu says. "If it's easier for you that way."

Is Atsumu reading his thoughts or something? Or maybe he got to know Kiyoomi a bit during the time they were together - both in a relationship and as teammates, or even when they were rivals during their high school times.

"... I guess we can do that," Kiyoomi replies, nodding his head.

"Okay so," Atsumu clears his throat. "Uhm.. I'm really confused by- well, you broke up with me saying certain things, y'know." Kiyoomi nods again. "But you said yesterday that you like me so... Why did we break up?"

"I thought it was for the better," Kiyoomi starts. "I felt like it was better for you."

"Why would you think that?" Atsumu asks, his tone turning high-pitched at the end of tje sentence. The confusion seems to be genuine, and for some reason, it makes Kiyoomi frustrated. How can Atsumu not realize that he can do much better than dating Kiyoomi?

"For obvious reasons," Kiyoomi grumbles.

"Well, looks like I'm stupid, so enlighten me." Atsumu's tone is suddenly an octave lower too.

"Because we're too different. It wouldn't work in the long run anyway, so I decided to just break up - it would come sooner or later anyway," Kiyoomi explains. "You would be better off with someone else, that's what I thought." A pause and then, "That's what I think. " Kiyoomi makes sure to put emphasis on the present tense.

"Don't you think it's my decision?" Atsumu questions. "I should be the one to decide who I wanna date."

"You'd get bored," Kiyoomi tells him instead of answering Atsumu's question directly.

"How can you know that?" 

"Because I do," Kiyoomi says. "You lied to yourself that you are happy or whatever, but I could see that you weren't. You were uncomfortable-"

"The fuck are you talking about?" Atsumu cuts him off, anger lacing his voice. Kiyoomi glances at him, and he sees Atsumu almost seething, his brows furrowed so much that if he keeps it up, hell get wrinkles for life. Kiyoomi guesses that this is the time for all the built-up frustration to be finally let free. "I was never once uncomfortable around you or unhappy or- really, the fuck?"

"You were," Kiyoomi insists. "I could see it. When you were with Hinata, you were much more com-"

"Well, of course I was!" Atsumu raises his voice, and Kiyoomi feels a painful pang in his chest at his words. So he was right, then; Atsumu was more at ease with Hinata, after all. "But it doesn't automatically mean that I'm uncomfortable around you. Omi-kun, c'mon, you're supposed to be smart or something," he says, exasperated, and Kiyoomi turns to glare at him sharply. "No, really! Why would you think I was uncomfortable around you? Or unhappy? I was the happiest fucking man in the world when we were dating." Kiyoomi stares at Atsumu for a while, then blinks. And blinks again. Did Atsumu just really say that? He has no reason to lie but... what? "Okay, so I couldn't touch you, or go dancing with you, or- or I don't know! But who cares? I was still happy. If I didn't want to date you, I wouldn't have. If I wanted someone else, I also wouldn't have dated you. So for sure, I wouldn't date you if I were unhappy either, but I wasn't unhappy. Or uncomfortable."

"You would be, if we kept on dating," Kiyoomi says, and Atsumu lets out a loud groan before standing up from the bench. Kiyoomi follows him him with his eyes quietly, watching how Atsumu runs a head through his hair in frustration. He does it lot, Kiyoomi notices. "I wanted you to find someone better."

"Well, I didn't want someone better. I wanted you," Atsumu tells him, sighing. "Do you think I'm stupid or something? I knew what I was signing up for when we started dating - it's not like I didn't think about anything when I confessed to you. I was aware that we're different, and I knew that it's gonna take a lot of work. You're not the only one thinking, y'know." Kiyoomi huffs and looks away from Atsumu again. "But despite all things, I liked you. I still like you. I know you're weird, and you're an asshole, and you still have the same fucking expression as if you were in math class. I know all that. I'm aware that it will take some time for me to be able to touch you, but who fucking cares. I'm not with you because touching you is all I care about, idiot."

"Why then?" Kiyoomi asks, ignoring how Atsumu blatantly insulted him. "Why would you like me in the first place?"

"I could ask you the same thing," Atsumu says. "I don't know. I just like you. Does it always have to be about reasons? Some things don't have anything to do with logic." Oh, Kiyoomi is aware of that. He's come to find out about this fact the hardest way possible. "But the thing that pisses me off more than your mind set is; why didn't you fucking talk to me? You literally just decided for the both of us."

"Because you wouldn't agree to break up if you know about all this."

"Of course I wouldn't!" Atsumu exclaims. "Because it's bullshit. You just made things up in your head, deciding what's best for me and shit. I can decide for myself, I'm a damn adult." Kiyoomi thinks he is more of a man child than an adult, but he'll keep it to himself. "You made me think that I did something wrong, for fuck's sake."

"I told you that-"

"What else was I supposed to think?" Well... True, Kiyoomi supposes. "I thought that you finally had enough of me. I thought I fucked up somehow. I thought-"

"I know," Kiyoomi cuts him off. He gets it. He understands that his behavior and words could make Atsumu feel all kinds of things. Everything Kiyoomi was afraid of feeling - not being good enough, the possibility that he did something wrong, Atsumu finding someone better and more compatible - he turned it all on Atsumu. "I'm sorry. I really am." The apology isn't enough for making Atsumu feel like shit for the past few weeks, but it's still something, at least. 

"I hate how your stupid face looks so neutral even now," Atsumu says. "But I still want to date you. Don't you think it says something?"

"That you're a crazy, probably."

"Maybe that too," Atsumu scoffs. "But it means that I fucking like you. No matter what you think about this, I still want to be with you. It's my decision."

"I won't allow that," Kiyoomi says. "You'll find someone better. Someone who is good enough-"

"You're enough, Omi-kun," Atsumu interrupts him. "A thousand times enough, idiot, you just refuse to see it." It seems that the trick to make Kiyoomi ignore insults is to say them along with a compliment, because this is the second time Kiyoomi can mute out the idiot and hear only you're enough. "So instead of making decisions for me, do it for yourself - do you want to be with me?" 

"...I already told you it isn't only about that," Kiyoomi mumbles. Atsumu is making the situation so easy, but it's not fucking easy. There are so many things to consider - it's not only about what Kiyoomi wants. He still doesn't think he's good for Atsumu, and he's still afraid Atsumu will get bored of him. He doesn't want to start again just so it can end the same. 

"It is. You're holding yourself back because you're too busy thinking about me to think about yourself. I've made my decision, whether you like it or not. And now that I know you feel the same, you can't try anything on me to trick me."

"You're so annoying," Kiyoomi mumbles, and Atsumu lets out a laugh, coming to stand in front of Kiyoomi and then squatting down right in front of him. He smiles at Kiyoomi while Kiyoomi frowns again. 

"And you still like me, isn't it great?" 

"I'm beginning to lose interest," Kiyoomi says, and Atsumu does this stupid thing with his face when he purses his lips slightly and rises his eyebrows just the tiniest bit, looking so smug that Kiyoomi wants to punch him. Or kiss him. It doesn't really matter, because he will do neither. 

"C'mon, Omi-kun," he says. "Don't be so difficult about it and date me again. I know you want to."

"You make it sound so easy," Kiyoomi tells him. "Don't you get it? You should-"

"Stop telling me what should I do. Do I ever listen to what anyone says?" Atsumu asks and then proceeds to answer his own question, "No. So what makes you think I'll listen to you?"

"I'm the smart one, that's why."

"See? You piss me off. But I still like you." The sound of Atsumu's chuckle is full of amusement. "I'm also still angry at you for not talking to me, and for avoiding me - yes, I know about that - but I just want to be with you again, so I'll complain about it later. Right now, I really want you to say you want to date me too."

"I do want to. I just don't think it's right. I think it'll be a disaster."

"Who cares? Definitely not me," Atsumu sing-songs. Kiyoomi is quite fascinated with how Atsumu changes his mood so quickly - it wasn't that long when he was so frustrated he was seething, and now he's being all annoying and playful again. "Just give it a chance, Omi-kun. And talk to me when something's wrong instead of breaking up with me immediately. That was a bad move."

"It was reasonable."

"Only in your head," Atsumu says. "Just date me, Omi-kun. We'll make it work." Kiyoomi still doesn't think it's a good idea. He takes into account everything Akaashi said to him, and now what Atsumu said, but in the end, Kiyoomi can't bring himself to change his mindset so drastically that he'll suddenly think that the relationship with Atsumu won't be a catastrophe. "I really want to be with you, Kiyoomi. You might not think so, but I really do like you. I'm probably in love with you." Atsumu laughs at that, as if he didn't just give Kiyoomi a heart attack. "So, give us a chance." Atsumu is staring at him with this look again, like he'd do anything for Kiyoomi. It's so affectionate, full of love and tender, and Kiyoomi wonders what it was that made Atsumu fall in love with him, of all people. 

Kiyoomi stays silent for a while, but doesn't break the eye-contact with Atsumu. He just stares into his eyes, drowning in the warm brown color, and ponders if he should agree and try again, or refuse and just let Atsumu go. The logical part of him says it's the right choice to choose the latter, but Kiyoomi's judgement is swayed by the way his heart is aching for the man that is squatting in front of him, smiling at Kiyoomi with that stupid, beautiful smile. He wonders if it's worth the pain this all could bring if he agrees and then it doesn't work out in the end. He wonders if the pain will be worse if he decides not to even try and lets Atsumu go, forever thinking about possible what ifs. 

As he stares into Atsumu's eyes, he thinks about how he never imagined that someone will be looking at him the way Atsumu does. And then, amidst all of his other thoughts, he thinks about how he wants Atsumu to only look at him like that, to the end of times. The possibility that Atsumu would ever look at somebody other than Kiyoomi this way is making Kiyoomi feel uneasy. 

I don't want him to look at anyone else like that, Kiyoomi thinks as his whole body tingles under Atsumu's gaze. The single thought makes Kiyoomi realize that while he was overthinking everything to the last detail, his heart has already made the choice for him. 

"...Okay," Kiyoomi whispers in the end. Atsumu's eyes start shining with hope. "Okay," he repeats, this time with more certainty, nodding to himself. The moment the single word of agreement falls out of Kiyoomi's mouth, he's ready to regret it. It isn't right, the voice in his head yells at him. It doesn't make sense for you to be together. It'll be a catastrophe, another one says, and Kiyoomi feels anxiety creeping in his heart, but then Atsumu smiles at him, all teeth and happiness, and Kiyoomi decides not to listen to the voices of logic. 

After all, it seems that our minds follow well behind the magic of our souls; our souls know it's love from the very first moment we see someone, and sometimes, we just need to wait until our brain catches up. 


End file.
